I feel so much better this week! It has been several days but I still will stop and think, "It is so nice to be able to breathe!" Yesterday I was tired (cold and cloudy out) but today I went rollerblading, took Tuvok to the dog park, and mowed the lawn and I still feel good.

We're going to watch Mythbusters now. I'll be back later in the week.

Hey guess what!!! I'm making cookies!!!! I'm feeling better!!!!! YAY!!!

Today was hard, especially this morning. I have grown accustomed to a nap in the morning. ...taking up all the morning. My energy and stamina are not back yet either. I took a nap in the car at lunch and that really helped. I was tired and my feet hurt at the end of the day but I rested for a couple of hours and I feel close to normal. I am so HAPPY!!!!

The Sickness Continues

This thing is just NASTY. DH has it too. I'm on day 3 of 5 of the z-pack and I think I'm feeling betterish but my lungs and head still fill up with gunk periodically. I have to be better soon, right?

We got about 4 or 5 inches of snow yesterday. I didn't bother taking any pictures. After this winter we ALL know what snow looks like. It is nice to see green grass popping up through the stuff this time. My daffodils are not happy. When I was a kid, Mom and I would go out and pick them the day before a freeze. I thought they would die if they got frozen but apparently they don't. Doesn't mean they like it though.

I've been thinking about trellises lately. My new hoya has a trellis and so I started looking at my other plants in a new light. I've never used climbing structures for houseplants before. It is a whole new way of thinking. Well, not really, but my brain isn't firing on all thrusters this week if you know what I mean. I have 3 Hederas (Ivy) that are climbers, 2 philodendrons that would appreciate something to scramble over, a couple of hoya cuttings that will need to be trellised when they mature, and possibly my Syngonium. I don't know how long it takes a juvenile Syngonium to start vining but supposedly they do eventually. Ihave been unsuccessful in locating cheap bamboo trellises locally so far. I have a couple more places I can go. I did find a nice selection of metal ones at Lowes the other day and I know Basket Market and Hobby Lobby carry that stuff. Michael's might too. Hey look, I'm rambling. I'll come back after my tea and maybe I'll make more sense.

~~

Tea didn't help. I think I may try to take a walk.

I don't want to be rich, but sometimes I wish I had a little more disposeable income. My mom's birthday is today and I want to buy her so many things! Mother's day is coming too. And I just like to do nice things for people. But I can't. And being sick all week is putting even more of a strain on things. DH says don't worry, that's what savings are for. But he just got done freaking out last week about maybe having to take from savings. I don't know. I wish he was more consistent. I never know if our money situation is ok or not because his mood determines if we have enough money or if they're coming to take the house. (Disclaimer: they're not coming to take the house, no matter what mood DH is in.)

My aunt is having a stressful week and I want to just go and scoop her up and take her to a spa or something. I want to offer my home to her as a respite but we're both sick and the place is a wreck and DH totally spazzes when the house is a mess and he won't let anyone come in. Even if they're our closest friends.

Boy, I'm just all down on things all of a sudden!

I made some tea and my aunt and I are on to happier topics on our facebook chat so I'm feeling better. I'm so affected by the emotional states of people I care about. It hurts me when people I love hurt. It hurts me when animals hurt. It does not hurt me when people hurt because they are stupid. Maybe that's why I'm not a democrat. Ooohh! Sorry, bad joke.

Anyway. Tomorrow I'm going to clean the floors and reload and run the dishwasher. I may or may not take pictures of the snow. I sure wish I knew where my snow pants were! Other than that I plan to have my butt firmly planted in a chair the whole day.

I have been getting so bored! I love to be home but not when I can't DO ANYTHING!! I got a couple of books from the library but I'm so stir crazy already that I can't read more than a couple of pages at a time before I have to get up and walk around. Even the internet can't hold my attention for long. Blargh!

More pictures

I was camera happy today. So sorry for torturing you!

We all went outside again to enjoy the nice weather.




Then I took pictures of my daffodils





This is my Lenten Rose.


That is all.

Really Sick

You know all that talk about feeling better and getting stuff done? Ha. Today was even worse. I finally made an appointment with the doc. She said I have bronchitis and a respiratory infection. I got a steroid shot in the behind and a Z-pack. The steroid shot worked really quickly. By the time I picked up my meds and food and got home I was feeling pretty good. The animals and I made good use of the beautiful afternoon.






Here's my amaryllis again.

I went to work yesterday and felt slightly better as the day went on. I started out having to sit down a lot because I was dizzy and wearing a hat because it hurt to see, but by lunch I was ok. Then at the end of the day we did a mailing job that got me really winded and by the end I had to sit down and my lips were a little blue. So I think I overdid it a little!

Today I almost couldn't get up. I went into work despite DH's protestations and I made it until about 10:00 before I gave up and came home. I slept until 3:30 and I feel a little better now. At this point my main complaints are all the gunk in my lungs and the coughing required to clear my lungs takes too much effort and is very painful.

I need to use my neti pot again. My nose goo is starting to turn yellow, which can signal infection so I need to try and keep on top of it. I don't like antibiotics, partially for scientific/moral reasons (overuse) and mostly because my intestines don't handle them well. So yeah. More than you wanted to know about my body I'm sure.

The house is such a mess. I have to have to have to make cookies for the belated birthday tonight because tomorrow night I have to make more for another birthday. The good news is I think I'm up to it.

It is beautiful and sunny outside, but cold. I am so ready for warmer weather! I think the entire northern hemisphere is ready for spring this year.

I was making a couple of eggs just now and realized that I'm sore all over. This bug is/was brutal!

Here's something to brighten all of our days. This is my amaryllis. She is 4 years old this year and has produced 2 babies, which also are preparing to bloom.

Sick Day

I'm home today. When I talk it sounds like a horror movie and then I start coughing. I slept all night and then I took DH to work and then I slept from when I got home to 1:00. I just finished some toast and soy milk. I can't decide if I'm going back to bed or not. The answer is probably yes. In fact, it is most definitely yes. Good night.

I hate being sick. I'm so bored! I feel like I finished the internet. I don't feel like doing anything that requires moving. I already repotted some plants with the little bit of energy I had earlier. I had overpotted some stuff so I fixed that and the plants got better soil as well. I potted up an ivy that's growing like crazy. It's only a conglomeration of rooted cuttings but it is doing very well.

You know what? I'm going to print off some coloring pages and color them. That will be fun.

Hack..cough, cough

I don't know if I have a cold or I just really don't do well with elm trees. Either way, I do NOT feel good. Unfortunately, I also don't do well with antihistimines so I get to wait it out. With hot mint tea.

Today is Pi Day. 3.14 Ironically, it is also pie day. I have a bunch of apples that need to become a pie. Whether I FEEL like making a pie today, well....

Whether or not I feel like making a pie, I do have to make chocolate chip cookies for a birthday tomorrow. Cinnamon needs to be cleaned badly. DH wants to get the garage and the floors cleaned. I'd like to repot some houseplants.

The tortoise table is close to being ready. I need to get the UV light and the substrate and furnishings in there. I'm planning to grow grasses in the enclosure for the tortoise to eat. I don't know how well it'll work yet but we'll see!

Cinnamon is playing in his extended carpet area. He is having a good time! You can see how much fun he has been having this week with his phone book.



Also, I set this up last night. This area is directly facing the back patio door. I was using it for cookbooks and pottery but I need the room for plants right now.



I just took an online quiz and it told me my symptoms indicate I have a cold. Perhaps I'll try some cold medicine. DayQuil rocks.

Followup/Rewording

I got some feedback to the post I made about the new rules. It wasn't good. I'm going to try to reword some stuff and explain some stuff better.

1. My parents were not "disapproving". That is the image I have generated in my head because I am/was so afraid of doing something wrong. It was the face of my concience.

2. What I doing is not rebelling. I am re-evaluating my personal rules and values. I am not trying to test boundaries or disobey just because I want to. This is a careful, calculated exploration of who I am and who I want to be. This is something that most kids do in college or around that time but I'm a late bloomer. Most of my rules and values are exactly the same as my parents', but it is imprtant to me that I own them, and I follow them because I want to, and not because they say to. And I do.

3. The 'rules' I talk about were not spoken or written on the fridge or anything. It is the terminology the counselor uses for the things I learned growing up about how life is. Rules we did have were more normal, like don't sing at the table and stuff like that.

4. I have the most wonderful parents in the world. They equipped me with an iron, steadfast moral compass that protected me from so many pitfalls of growing up and becoming an adult. I listened to what they had to say because I respected them (and still do). The fact that, as a teenager, I could look up to them and respect them as people and as authority figures really says a lot about who they are and what kind of parents they are.

5. The stuff I'm going through right now actually has not much to do with my parents and tons to do with the fact that I grew up clinically depressed and have only recently been able to overcome that depression with appropriate medication and cognitive therapy. My perspective on life and on my childhood is most likely skewed and not very realistic. Unfortunately, I can't go back and remember my experiences differently, but I can look back and realize that my depression played a big role in what I took from each experience. For instance, I remember lots of sad and stressful times in my childhood and not many joyful times. Does that mean there weren't any joyful times? Of course not! It means my brain wasn't processing those times correctly. In fact, I can look back just a few years ago to when I was a zookeeper and having a great life. I could tell you all the wonderful things about my life and how I had the job of my dreams and things could not possibly be any better. But I was depressed and sad and overwhelmed about everything all the time. It isn't the circumstances that cause happiness when your brain isn't working right. I had the ability to understand what was going on at that point, but as a child I didn't. Therefore I'm almost positive that my childhood was a wonderful, joyful, happy time. But I am unfortunately unable to remember it.

You know what? I need to have my parents tell me stories about me as a child so I can get a more accurate perspective on growing up. This whole section of my journey is about reliving and healing the wounds I have suffered. I suffered because my brain was sick, so I can heal by reliving my childhood memories with a healthy brain.

Have I mentioned that my mom and dad are the most awesome people I have ever met? That I am thankful every day for the skills they taught me and the morals and values they instilled in me. Here are some things I 'missed out on' because of their parenting:

I never tried cigarettes, alcohol, or illegal drugs. They said, "other people will tell you it's fun and cool, but later when you try to stop doing those things, it will be almost impossible to quit and those things can ruin your life very easily. It is better to not do those things in the first place and when you grow up, all those other kids will envy you because you didn't have to suffer the consequences."

I never snuck out and went to parties or whatever it is kids do when they sneak out. My parents asked me to respect them and their rules and because they were always truthful and honest in everything they did, I respected them. They told me that parties can be places where there's lots of pressure to do bad things and you could get in big trouble and even killed. I didn't want anything to do with that.

I didn't have sex before marriage. I didn't get STD's or an unplanned kid and I didn't suffer the emotional pain of giving a special part of myself to some random guy. I didn't put myself in the position to be in an abusive relationship. My parents modeled for me every day what a real loving marital relationship looked like and I knew that doing that other stuff wouldn't get me into a meaningful loving marriage. Well, it could, but it's much more likely the other way. I stayed innocent and grew up slowly. I treasured my freedom as an adolescent. I look back and am glad I was able to be so free from the stresses that so many young people have to deal with.

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings, and highlights my true intentions. I was just excited to realize that I had the freedom to have my own values. I don't want to have values that are much different from my parents, but I am free to choose them nonetheless. I am learning how to be a person who doesn't come at life with a depressed brain. This is a learned skill and I am at the beginning of my training.

Have I mentioned how awesome my parents are?

Hello Again

Still on that roll...

I got a trellis for my hoya at Basket Market. It's Hobby Lobby wholesale and it is awesome. For those of you that don't have Hobby Lobby, I am truly sorry.



I'm making brownies tonight. 2 pans. Jessie, I agree that I need to make more "How I Bake Things" posts. Soon.

I got up the guts and stood on my scale this morning. I weigh less than I thought I did! So that's good. I feel a little encouraged and more motivated to eat well and excersize.

Tomorrow at work is going to be nuts. Keith is off. I'll be the only regular bindery person there. Matt will be there and I'm sure Thomas will help. Mark should help some if he gets time. But we have a huge laminating job and the laminator was acting stupid this afternoon and we aren't sure what's wrong. We have some things we'll try in the morning and I hope that fixes it right away because we don't have time to figure out something unorthadox. Also, we have a huge booklet coming over tomorrow that has to go from cutting to the booklet maker and be done tomorrow. That job normally takes more than one day so the booklet maker better behave. I'm just saying... And then it'll be a Friday, which means we'll have a bunch of jobs in the shop and people will want them all NOW so they can bill them and get them to the customers before the weekend. I totally understand that and have no problem with wanting to get the stuff, but I just don't see how it's all going to happen! I pray for the ability to be rushed without coming off mean or curt to my coworkers.

The basketball game is over so DH wants to clean the kitchen now. If I survive tomorrow I'll be back sometime Saturday probably.

I seem to be on a blogging kick. Hmm.

Tonight I went on errands, then I tried out my new helmet and pads for my rollerblades. Well, I tried them on and wore them while moving about on my rollerblades. I never actually put them to the test, thank goodness. I was just trying to get my wheels under me, so to speak. It's been a few years since I've been on wheels and my balance leaves something to be desired. I'm hoping the safety gear gives me the confidence I need to get good on the blades.

Now I'm making a double batch of oatmeal raisin cookies for a birthday at work tomorrow. The oatmeal raisin are just about as popular as the chocolate chip and they go fast.

I got my Hoya obovata and my H. pubycalyx 'Red Buttons' in the mail today. The obovata is huge and beautiful! It is trained for a trellis so I had to find a stand in until I can find a suitable trellis. WalMart and Home Depot were not helpful at all. I used the fire tool stand that I was using as a jewelry stand. It has been repurposed more than any other item I have I think.



This is my first trellised Hoya and the one with the biggest leaves. It also isn't as common as the ones I already had. I feel like a "real" hoya collector now! Not just an amateur.

It is going to be a late night. I still have several pans of cookies to go in the oven and I need to shower. It is already after 9:00.

My tortoise can hatch anytime between now and a month from now. I have the cage itself but it is still empty. It needs substrate and a hide box and grass and stuff. I think I'm going to take a patch of sod from the backyard to make the main substrate. Grass and weeds are the bulk of the diet. Then I'll have a wad of coconut fiber that I'll keep moist and I'll find an appropriate sized cardboard hide box. Torts grow fast and there's no reason to buy an expensive hide box that it'll outgrow in a month. When it is still a hatchling they recommend keeping the climbing structures to a minimum to avoid toppling over. Oh, I also need to make corner blocks. Torts like to climb into the 90 degree corners and tip over so if you block the corner with a 45 degree piece of wood or something they can't tip themselves over. It's like babyproofing! I think I'll put Ezri the Gecko over beside the tortoise and they can share a heat lamp. Ezri doesn't need to be as warm as the lamp makes her, so I'll position it to straddle the two enclosures. I just need to buy the UVB lamp and then I think we'll be ready to go.

My lenten rose is going to town with the blooms. I have daffodils opening up every day. It hasn't gotten below freezing in several nights. I know we're not done with the cold weather but Spring is really here! It is VERY early Spring but it counts.

Ooh- here's a picture of my Philodendron hederaceum 'Brazil'. Check out the new leaf on the top!


Ick. With the flash you can really tell I need to wipe off those lower leaves.

And! My biggest amaryllis is going to bloom soon! Here it is last year:



And just because I can, here's my spoiled rotten cat. I love her so much!!


Ok, it's past 10:00 and I'm almost done with the cookies. Good night!

The sun was out all day except for the time I was on lunch and could be out enjoying it. Then it went behind a big cloud and it got cold and windy for about half an hour. Picture an angry face here.

We have a counseling appointment tonight. It is going well. DH has had some nice realizations (it's ok to suck sometimes) and so have I. I'm an adult now. I can do whatever I want (within reason) and I don't have to worry about whether my parents approve of it or not. I didn't even realize it consiously but I always have an image of my parents with disapproving faces in my head. And I only do things that might make those faces be less disapproving. I have to think long and hard about something before I'll go against anything they taught me. Like the alcohol thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine with dinner sometimes. But it took me years to actually get to the point that I was willing to 'disobey' my parents. I'm 27!

I want to get a tattoo someday. I'm not in a big hurry for it but I want one. I want second and maybe third holes in my earlobes. I learned recently that I like expensive Cabernet Savingon. I want to be able to have a glass without feeling like I'm going to hell. I want to be able to say that word without feeling like I'm going there. I want to be ME, with my own rules for life.

I sound like a teenager! And most of my rules are the same as my parents'. But they need to be MINE, because I want to follow them. I don't need to follow their rules just because they are their rules anymore. This sounds really rebellious and like I don't respect my parents. But it is just the opposite. I have been so anti-rebellious that I haven't become an adult in my behavior.

Here are my old rules and the new replacements. This is not an exhaustive list; just what I've bothered to write down. Also, these were not verbalized by my parents; it's just how they live their lives.

Old Rule: Spontaneous things are bad things that life throws at you to keep you tired and poor.

New Rule: Life can bring unexpected joy and fun.

Old Rule: Strong emotions are unacceptable because it means you aren't in control of them.

New Rule: Emotion and sensation are part of being a person.

Old Rule: Suffering and hardship build character and make God like you better (like and love being different).

New Rule: Suffering and hardship are part of life but so are joy and good times.

Old Rule: If you feel bad about yourself or want to be selfish, go do something for someone else or focus on another person.

New Rule: When I take care of myself and am nice to myself, I feel much better overall.

I don't want it to sound like my parents are bad or anything. They are wonderful people and will do anything for anyone at any time. But they live their life by these old rules and they are so downtrodden and depressed all the time. I want to be free from living that way. And because I am an adult and my own person. I can live how I choose. This is a new and exciting revelation for me!

I'm out of time. If this isn't coming across very well, please let me know and I'll edit the post.

Spring is coming!!

This first part was from Sunday, even though it really doesn't matter.

My lenten rose is blooming and my first daffodil is open. The cool season grasses and weeds are really taking off. I've got some purple finches visiting this week too. I am ready for warmer weather.

I've been trying to get my cat to stop using my houseplants as a litterbox. Yesterday my catscat mats came and I put them in the two big plants and moved a lot of the others out to the greenhouse. It's been warm enough that they should be ok out there. A few plants need to be repotted but I've run out of weekend.

It is birthday season. Two this week and two next week. This is not condusive to losing weight. Heh- I mentioned to FIL that I was thinking about getting out my rollerblades and he went all psycho about making sure I had all the safety equipment. Which I don't. So now I am forbidden to rollerblade until I go to WalMart and get safety gear. I'm still waiting on the insurance company for work to let them know if I can bring my Total Gym up there and work out on it at lunch.

Here's Monday:

We're having lentils and cornbread for dinner tonight. After that I need to go to petsmart.

I feel behind in life right now. In reality I'm not, I'm just not as prepared as I would like to be. I need to clean the bunny and get ready for the tortoise's arrival. I need to repot plants and clean stuff. I have apples that need to be made into a pie. I need to start excersizing. But I feel like plopping my butt down in front of the TV and staying there for a couple of days.