Update

I didn't have to go to the hospital.  But she did do minor surgery on me and removed the ball of necrotic tissue.  I hate lidocaine injections.  After I got home and got over the minor shock I felt much better.  I had been feeling weak and shaky for several days and I no longer felt that way.  So that's good.  She instructed me to keep up with debriedment and stuff.  I see her again in the morning.  That is all.

Health Issues Continue

Ok, so things were starting to get back to normal.  I was having trouble recovering from the flu and subsequent respiratory infection.  The actual sickness was gone but my body takes a long time to get back to 100%, or what passes for 100% these days.  DH was being really understanding and I got to do a lot of resting at home.  Work was crazy.  Everyone wants their stuff before Christmas.  So that was draining some of my energy and making my recovery slower.  But I was getting there.

Last Friday I was running the inserter most of the day.  I noticed a little zit-like thing on my wrist.  I scratched it, as I am prone to do, and didn't think anything else about it.  Then Saturday night we were at Dave and Froggi's having DEVINE Shrimp and sun dried tomato Risotto and playing spades. OMG it was soooo good!  But anyway, I noticed the spot on my wrist was inflamed.  Instinctively, I knew it was a staph infection.  It didn't look like a normal wound infection.  On Sunday I rinsed it out with salt water but that didn't help.  Monday at work it really started to hurt.  It hurt to use my hand and to have it at my side while I walked, because of the throbbing.  So after work we went to the urgent care clinic and they gave me antibiotics for a regular staph infection, and told me to see my PCP if it got worse or didn't get better in 3 days. 

One of the side effects of Levaquin is insomnia.  I slept about 2 hours Monday night.  I was doing remarkably well on Tuesday until 3:00 when I hit the wall.  I was weak and feeling faint so I went home.  The work load had calmed down significantly so it wasn't a big deal.  That night, more insomnia.  DH gave me a cocktail of pain meds, a muscle relaxer, and an antihistamine and I did finally sleep but I was in no condition to go to work in the morning.  My wrist was worse too.  So DH got me an appointment at the doctor.

That was Wednesday.  Dr. K was really concerned and switched my meds to a MRSA antibiotic.  Which makes me sick to my stomach and shaky.  She told me to stay home till Monday and come back on Friday.

Yesterday I pretty much laid around.  Watched a lot of TV.  When I redressed the wound last night it was worse.  A much bigger opening and it looked angry.  DH kinda freaked and called the on call doc but he wasn't concerned.  So today at 2:30 I go back to Dr. K.  I think if I really am getting worse I may have to go to the hospital.  We'll see.

This morning I gardened to keep my mind off of things.  I finally got my daffodils and pansies planted.  But now I'm pretty weak and shaky so that might not have been such a good idea!  Oh well.

You probably think I fell of the planet.  Some days I wish I could.  I'm learning how to stand up for myself, how to stop a meltdown when my emotions start overwhelming me.  I'm learning how to convince myself that I'm not bad and the ones who are lying about me are the bad people.

DH keeps saying I should just quit and find another job.  If I do that, they win.  I'm not going to let them win.  If I leave, there's no one to dispute all the lies and rumors. 

Things are eventful on the home front.  Three weeks ago I got the flu.  Well, I'm pretty sure it was the flu.  It was too nasty for a cold and people who got a flu shot didn't get sick.  Came down with it on a Thursday, and that weekend we went to Kansas City to visit DH's grandparents and go to the Chiefs game.  I was miserable but we aren't going to have that kind of opportunity again.  DH really wanted to go to the game.  I had never been to a pro football game.  It was pretty neat.  Would have been neater if the Chiefs had won... 

I went to work on Monday for two reasons: 1. the last time I called in sick, someone told every single coworker and boss he could find that I was faking it. and 2. the last time I called in not-sick (asked permission!) I got yelled at and fined a vacation day.  So now I have a new rule applied to only me.  If I'm not sick, I have to take a vacation day.  So yes, I took a vacation day to go to my doctor appts.

But anyway.  I went in just long enough to show everyone that I really was very sick and I left about 10:00.  So there.  Lie about that one, I dare you.

I didn't really feel better Tuesday morning but I had the same plan; show everyone I was sick and go home.  Well, I started to feel better and made it the whole day.  The sinus and chest congestion was still bad but I was no longer 'sick' sick.  By that time DH got sick.  He stayed home from Tuesday on.  I admit I was pretty jealous.  On Friday I came home and he asked me to get up and get something for him (even though his flu was better) and I kind of unleashed on him.  Told him I only got 3/4 of one day off and I went on a trip while I was sick, plus my mucus wasn't going away and I still felt like crap and I was exhausted and I wasn't taking care of him any more until I got some sleep.  And then I immediately apologized of course!

He was having stomach pain, he thought from eating too much pizza at lunch.  I gave him some alka-seltzer and went to bed.  He woke me up at 1:00am to go to the ER.  Nothing was helping and the pain was up to an 8 out of 10.  He kept apologizing because of my outburst earlier and I had to keep convincing him that I had no idea he was in this much pain when I said that. 

So we sat in the ER until about 4, went back, the doc poked on him a minute and decided on a CAT scan.  During the scan I took a 20 minute nap, bringing my total to 3:20.  But it really helped.  Doc said they were sending the results to Australia to be read since it was daytime there.  Less mistakes from grogginess.  We had a 45 minute wait ahead of us, except this time DH got some IV pain meds.  By 45 minutes, they meant 5 minutes.  We barely got settled and he came back and said DH had appendicitis!  I thought he was joking; DH actually laughed at him!  He was like, no, seriously.  You're having surgery today.

...So DH got admitted and sent up to a room while I went home and fed the pets and me, and packed a bag.  I texted Mom and she was like We're on our way!!!!  and I was like No! Wait!  That's not what I meant!  I was just letting you know.  You don't need to come!  Apparently they can't take no for an answer.  They showed up like an hour later.  I did get about 45 minutes more sleep before they got there though so that was nice.  The nurse brought me a cot and DH didn't even ask for one!  I was curled up in the window seat when he came in.  And of course in my sick/exhausted state I said, Is that for me?!?  Lol!  Duh.  That cot was pretty much my bed and chair and table for the whole weekend.  I scooted it up right next to the bed so I could touch DH's arm when I layed down.

So anyway, the surgeon came to visit and said it looked and smelled and talked exactly like appendicitis so once he got an emergency hand surgery out of the way, DH was up next.  They took him at 11:00 and we went down to the surgery waiting room and watched OSU beat up on Texas Tech.  FIL showed up too.  I worked on Tuvok's wool sweater, but then realized I did it wrong so now I have to rip it all out.  Still haven't done that.  Have to work up to it. :-)

As soon as DH was sewed up, there was a code blue so the surgeon had to take care of that but then he came and said everything went fine.  So we went back up to the room.  FIL and my parents left and I think they were still in the parking lot when I fell asleep.  I woke up in time for dinner and went home to feed the pets and let the dog out.  My aunt was in town chaperoning some teenagers for the anime convention.  I met them at the sushi place and then later my aunt visited us in the hospital.  She told us some medical horror stories that I hadn't heard yet.  I was too young when they happened so I never heard about them.  My youngest aunt almost died even more than I was aware of!

But anyway, that night I slept so hard that I never knew the vitals people showed up every two hours, never knew there was a night nurse, never knew DH had a reaction to the oxycodone, nothing.  By the time I came to, the day nurse was back and DH was on percoset.  One more trip for the pets, another nap, and we got discharged around 3:00 Sunday.  I got DH set up in his recliner with all the ammenities, and I think I went to sleep again.

On Monday I was told that I wasn't expected to be there.  Whatever!  After all the crap they've put me through?!?  I wasn't sick and I didn't want to take another vacation day!  I stayed until I had to go to the Endocrinologist after lunch.  Then DH made me an appt with my GP because my sinuses were still nasty.  Not bleeding anymore, but still not better.  She gave me some antibiotics.  Also, I've gained a lot of weight.  Ugh. 

But anyway, DH got a second week off work and I started feeling better by about Wednesday.  I did nothing each evening except sit on the couch and go to bed early.

So now we're 3 weeks behind in the housework, I don't know how long since a grocery trip, and the MIL is freaking out because I didn't plant her tulips yet.

Yeah, I kinda want to fall off the planet. :-)

Also, Christmas is coming... 

Canada

Here's a post I wrote on the way home from Canada but never published:

We had beautiful weather in Canada. It was a little warm but not awful. I spent a lot of time wading in the lake to cool off. I took lots of video and I'm working on editing it into a production for people to see. I still need to add pictures and maybe try to put some text into it if I can. We caught fish for dinner two days. It is difficult to find fish this time of year. Walleye is so yummy!

I packed enough entertainment for a week of rain but we had a week of sunshine. Consequently I didn't work on my afghan at all. But I did make a catnip stuffed mouse and a stuffed dog bone, I made a sweater for Cyrus the yorkie, I identified lots of the trees around camp, and I hiked around a lot. It was a good week.

FIL taught me about camp maintenance and boat motors and I took video. I'm pretty confident we can do the whole trip on our own next year, provided we have enough money. There are lots of ways to save, but gas is still a killer. It is 2500 miles round trip, not including gas for the boats and generator. It looks like we'll end up taking our car which gets 25mpg but that's still a pretty penny. We can take the train to camp instead of the float plane and that'll be $200 instead of $1200. We can camp or stay with friends on the way up and back instead of hotels. Hotels won't take Tuvok anyway. 80lb limit on pets. So yeah, we're excited about next year.

We're on the way home today. I'm making Tuvok a wool jacket for winter. He barely has any fur underneath and he gets cold if he has to stay outside for very long (and he's not playing). I found fisherman's wool from lion brand yarn on clearance for half price and I found a pattern on ravelry.com for larger dogs. I'm modifying it a little but I think it'll work nicely. I hope he isn't afraid of it. He's such a weenie.

I miss my dog...

Also, Caribou Coffee is a wonderful place. They should replace all the Starbuckses.

I attached a picture of where our camp is. We drive to Sioux Lookout in the bottom left and fly about 20 minutes to the purple dot. Middle of nowhere Canada is the best place in the world!

On the road

I just learned that you need to save the blog draft in Blogger+ before doing anything else. I'm spoiled with the new-fangled computers autosaveing.

Anyway. We're on our way to Canada with the in-laws. We just passed Des Moines. There's water falling out of the sky. I seem to have some vague, distant memory of that happening in Oklahoma. Maybe someday it'll happen there again.

So far I've made Cyrus the yorkie a sweater. He was acting cold last night so this morning I made one from some of the random yarn I brought along. It looks pretty good. I went to ravelry.com and got a bunch of patterns to play with. They're saved on the iPad. This iPad thing is pretty cool.

I have a video app so I can record how to do stuff in Canada like fix boat motors and hook up the propane fridge. I hope that next year we can go on our own. Also, it'll be nice to show people what it's like in camp. When we go by ourselves we can take Tuvok with us. They think he's too big. Oh well. He's having fun with his friend Jersey this week.

The fall flowers are blooming in Iowa. There are lots of coreopsis and rudbeckia still from the summer but the sunflowers and goldenrods are making quite a show on the side of the highway. The cattails are fluffy too. Every so often there's a stand of tall purple asters. Makes me want to stop and pick a bouquet. Back home the only fall flowers are snow-on-the-mountain. It's too dry for the others this year so far. Maybe if it rains they'll show up.

I've always wondered why the dominant flower color changes as the seasons progress. In the spring there are pinks and blues and purples and they give way to more yellows and oranges in the summer and fall. Do the pollinators change? Obviously you can find just about every color in every season, but the yellow is so dominant in fall and practically nonexistent in spring. Hmm.

We'll be in Cloquet, Minnesota by the time I get to post this so I'll just add to it if I feel like talking during the day.

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Ok, we're in Cloquet. They have wild yellow snapdragons here. The goldenrods and asters are really gorgeous. I wonder if those things will be growing at camp too.

It's only 6:20. We could make it several hundred miles further but oh well. That's one of the reasons we want to go on our own next time. We can drive the 26 hours the way we want instead of in such short spurts. At least the hotel has wi-fi.

It is cool here. I was helping FIL re-ice the coolers and I almost needed a long sleeved shirt. Even with my new thyroid pills making me hot and being in desperate need of a shower which, oddly, makes me hot too. The hotel has a shower (yay).

DH is listening to the first OSU game against Louisiana. We're winning by a lot, which is expected. Tomorrow we hit the road at 6:30 and should make it to Sioux Lookout a little after lunch. Then its a 15 minute float plane ride to the camp.

Happy smiley faces will ensue.

Here's a picture of the rain in Iowa.

What we leave behind

One of the Hoya dudes brought up an interesting point. In the event of our death, our plant collections need to go to good homes. And then I realized that our wills or black books or whatever need to contain the login and password information to our online communities so our cyber-friends can be notified. I haven't really thought of that since I got Lilly. She goes to Dave and Froggi. But Bones and Tuvok and Garak? Of course DH can take care of the animals on his own but I know he can't keep up with the plants. And if we both go together... It is a subject that requires more pondering.

Pictures

Ok, I'm trying to catch up on pictures.  This is random stuff.  The next time I catch up I'll do one from the trip to Grand Lake.  There are lots of those pictures.

All my houseplants enjoying the rain

The Datura in mid-summer

Yes, Bones is still cute

Totally rockin' cookie cake...dude

Foam Board Light Box (beta test 2)

Lilly posing in the light box 

I have not fallen off the face of the planet.  Though some days I wish I could.

It has been hot.  Over 100 degrees almost every day.  The heat makes my shingles hurt.  Also, I'm tired.  The new thyroid pills make me hot too but they are at too low a dose to make me not tired.  So mostly I'm hot, tired, and uncomfortable.  Work continues to be difficult.  I am preparing to apply elsewhere but if work finds out they'll fire me before I am ready to leave.

A couple of weeks ago DH had a conference in Tulsa at the Hard Rock Hotel.  His boss kept suggesting that I needed to come for the banquet on Thursday night.  So I did.  Turns out, the Association of Oklahoma Narcotics Enforcers named him Prosecutor of the Year!  That was cool.

What wasn't cool was that the car started acting up during the trip.  Auto Zone ran the code and said it was an electrical problem in the transmission.  We took it to the shop on Tuesday and they serviced the transmission and put a conditioner in it to give us some more time, but said we'd need a new transmission at some point in the near future.  Tuesday night we went to Fowler Honda and bought a 2009 CR-V.  Reliable transportation is extremely important to me.  So anyway, they needed to keep it one more day to do the certification so we went back to get it on Wednesday night. 

Since we bought the 2001 CR-V in 2004, I've had 3 things I wanted in our new car: good cupholders, passenger side armrest, and lots of windshield wiper speeds.  This car has all three of those so I'm happy with it.  It has lots more too, like a sunroof, but that stuff isn't as important.  But the more I drive the car the more I like it.  Today we bought a bunch of stuff for it like a steering wheel cover and a 12v vacuum cleaner and ArmorAll wipes.  We already need to use the vacuum because we got 5 bags of mulch.  :-)

I decided that I could mulch the part of the backyard that was muddy with some old mulch we had on the side of the house.  That worked pretty well even though I spread a really thin layer.  But then it rained and half the mulch is gone.  I guess it got buried or something.  So I got more.  Hopefully it will stand up to the rain better this time.

I've been doing lots of Hoya things.  The cuttings from Iris Marie in Australia rooted so I potted them up.  And then Joni at SRQ was having a sale so I got 6 plants from her.  Then I made a light box to take pictures of them.  Turns out the cats like the light box too.  I'll upload pictures soon I hope.  But for now, know I'm still alive. :-)

Rrrrrgh...

I wrote this on Monday or Tuesday and was planning to add to it but that didn't happen. So here ya go.

So last weekend we went to Grand Lake to visit Froggi's parents. We had a lot of fun and I brought back lots of cuttings and seedlings. Also I noticed a rash on my ribcage when I got back home. I thought maybe I got into something so I didn't really worry about it. After a few days it started to itch a little but when I would touch it, I'd get significant pain that lasted several seconds longer than it should've. I popped one of the blisters and it looked like a spine or prickle was inside it. So then my theory was I got into a cactus or one of those stupid pigweeds in the backyard. Well a couple days after that, this morning, my rib started to hurt to the left of the rash. That sealed it. So I went to the doctor and I have shingles.

Can't ever be easy

First thing this morning we... went back to bed. I decided it wasn't nice to wake up all the neighbors at 6 in the morning. So at 7:30 we got out the tiller, and broke the pull cord. I spent waaaay too long trying to fix it. One of the bolts was blocked by a bar but I finally was able to loosen the bar's bolt enough to get the ratchet in there. Then I couldn't get the screw loose on the winder. That took forever too and then I realized I didn't need to take off the screw in the first place. So I made a new knot and reattached the starter. It didn't wind. I messed with it for a while and then came inside. After some google searching I discovered a fundamental truth about pull starters: wind the starter, then insert and knot the cord. Not the other way around. So I got it all put back together and we started tilling at about 10:00. By 11:30 we were both totally worn out. I put the sprinkler on the area, which I should have done last night. But the rental guy said not to. Maybe not under normal circumstances but we have no soil moisture and clumps of clay. We need water in the soil to make it friable. So this evening I'm going to go back out and see how much progress we made and if I need to till more or if I can just rake everything into submission. We did get quite a bit of the hills smoothed out so hopefully if there is more to be done, it won't be much.

Yes, I know I shouldn't have tried to service a piece of rental equipment. But I fixed it, so there! :-)

So in other news, I'm doing pretty well at work. It is getting easier to maintain my belief in my own abilities despite Richard's shenannegins. I get to deflate him pretty regularly. Not by really doing anything except not reacting and also being right. He is continuing to piss off just about everyone there and I kind of feel like I'm watching a spectator sport, just waiting for him to get himself fired or demoted or at least a stern talking to.

Right now we're babysitting Dave and Froggi's animals while they help a friend move stuff across the country. We now have 5 cats, 2 dogs, a snake, and a chinchilla. Dinnertime is quite the adventure. Everyone wants to eat each other's food so everyone has to be separated. Since two days isn't long enough to establish a routine in the minds of kitties, I literally get to herd cats twice a day. Lol!

Other than the yard, my goal tonight is to work on my houseplants. Some need to be repotted. I dug up my dwarf burning bush and brought it inside to see if I can save it. There aren't any leaves left on it but several of the twigs are still green.

Oh, yesterday morning I got up early and mowed the front and the back, and weeded bed 3, the long bed beside the driveway. I think there's less than half of the plant material left in the garden! But all the native morning glories are out of there and most of the crabgrass. It looks good.

If we go back into a la Nina next year, I think I'll cover bed 3 with cosmos. It is doing great in the heat and drought. And if I let one or two of those morning glories grow from the beginning of spring, they'll flower all summer too while they crawl through the cosmos. Orange and blue look good together. If we have a more normal pattern, I may try to put some veggies in instead. I think either way, I will move the Datura over there from bed 1. It is way too big for the space. I think it will do nicely between the mint and the forsythia up near the house. Last year, the first year I had it, it grew about 4 feet wide and tall. I thought it was an annual. Nope! By June this year, it had grown past the 4 foot mark. It's now about 5.5-6 feet tall and wider than that. Bed 1 is only 2.5 feet front to back and it is in front of the front porch, you know, where the porch chairs are. It makes the front porch almost unusable! It's a keeper for sure, but not where it is now.

Ok, time for dinner for the animals. Cat herding, commence!

Trying a new blog app

Although we got this iPad at the beginning of July, I am just now getting around to messing with the blogger app. I let DH use the iPad most of the time when we're home because it has a bigger screen and I can just walk over to the computer to do stuff. But now I can blog in bed or out in the hammock, not that I'd want to.

Yeah, we were supposed to have a day where the high was only 99F this week but it hit 100 anyway. We're burning our way to some really significant weather records. Lows have been around 80.

We rented a tiller to level the backyard. After investigating several options, we decided to just bite the bullet and fix it. Civil twilight is at 6:04 tomorrow and we're planning to have tines in the ground by 6:10. Gotta get it out of the car, into the backyard, and remember how the thing works. DH has volunteered to run it. Apparently it pulls as it digs and we think I might not have the mass to keep it where I want it. At least not if I want to make it to work on Monday!

So, speaking of 6:04am, it is midnight and I'm going to put my new toy away now.

My Brain is a Crazy Place

Well, let's see.  What has happened since the last time... DH is home; he had a blast.  I finished book 1 of 3 that I have and found 2 others I want to read.  Yesterday at the end of the day I had a conversation with Chris about stuff.  I didn't reveal anything about ASD but I was able to explain more about where I'm coming from and what my brain is doing.  I know books don't have all the answers but they do help me find words to help others understand me.  He seemed to get it more, like really understand what I'm going through.  We both agreed on many points, like self esteem (or lack of) is the main root of the problems at work.  We discussed how neither of us knows what to do about it and he knows I'm on the search for information.  I feel encouraged.  He made sure I knew that I was a good employee and that the self esteem issue is really the only one as far as he's concerned.  He doesn't think I'm as horrible as I thought he did.  Yes, I know that's how it always goes. 

Afterwards another friend listened to me for a long time and that was helpful.  I don't usually feel safe talking about my deepest thoughts and feelings because they scare people.  Just because I feel things doesn't mean I'm going to act on them.  Even though my perspective is clouded, I still know what is a bad idea.  I know they are temporary feelings.

In the mean time I need to find a better outlet for anger energy.  Right now when I get angry (or frustrated, same category), I channel the rage into tears.  That is better than flying off the handle at work.  But crying is only a little more acceptable than screaming and hitting.  One time I took it out on the dumpster out back and it was very effective but DH thinks that's worse than crying.  I can't hurt the dumpster and usually there aren't people back there.  The stick I would use is soft as far as things like that go.  It only takes 30 seconds or less to relieve the pressure as opposed to several hours of crying.  Maybe there's an even more secluded place around the corner of the building.   I'll have to investigate that.  So then when I become angry and I feel like I'm going to explode I can hold it until I can take a quick break and go outside and beat on something with my rubber cutter stick.  When I was a kid I did the same thing with pillows.  I knew I could beat on the bed, the dresser, the walls all I wanted and I wouldn't damage anything, which would start the anger all over again.  I never wanted to be bad or harmful but I had to have an outlet for all that anger.  It feels like I'm radioactive and it's pulsing stronger and stronger until it just bursts my body.  I thought everyone felt that way until I read this book and they talked about it like it was unique to ASD.  Hm.  No wonder others don't cry at work.  They won't explode if they stay calm.

At various times in my life I've been self-harming.  Hitting myself in the head, biting myself, scratching myself, etc.  Again it was a desperate attempt to bleed out the overwhelming rage.  I thought somehow the physical pain would lessen the emotional pain.  It never really worked.  Maybe I wasn't doing it right.  But when you're literally about to explode from your pores, you'll try anything you can think of.  I think I understand why it doesn't work- it doesn't actually release the energy.  If you know anyone like me or had(have) a kid like me, maybe that gives you some insight into why they do crazy stuff.

I don't know where the rage came from when I was younger.  I think I was angry at myself for existing.  I felt like I was a net drain on everyone.  Ha.  I'm talking in the past tense like I don't feel that way now.  No amount of good I could ever do will make up for the fact that I simply exist.  That is what people, kids and adults, like me really feel inside.  We don't have to be told this; to us it is an obvious, undeniable truth.  No amount of praise or love will make us believe anything else.  It comes preloaded in our brain.  I know that ceasing to exist at this point would harm the people who care about me so my only option is to keep on trying to do as little damage as possible.  I know people have overcome this thinking.  But I don't yet know what they did to be successful.  That is the main focus of my reading.  So I'll keep you updated.

I just had an idea for a product.  A pillow type object that feels good to grip and swing, feels satisfying when you hit something with it, and won't damage furniture.  It needs to be heavy...maybe have wax beads in the mix...it needs to make a good 'thwupf' when it comes in contact with stuff.  The thing is, kids, teens, and adults who feel anger like I do need a way to release that energy.  This might help.  I haven't found any method that is quicker and more effective than hitting an object with another object.

Well boys and girls, that concludes today's lesson in People Who Have Brain Malfunctions.  Lol!

I don't want men in white coats knocking at my door, ok?  I only feel this stuff at work, and only since Richard showed up.  I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with bad bosses because I'm likely to have a bad boss no matter where I work.  And besides, compared to this, pretty much any boss will be awesome!  I don't know any person at work or who comes in to work on our machines that has not had a bad experience with him.  Good training material, I say!

In other parts of life, Tuvok turns 3 today!  I'm going to take him to PetSmart and let him pick out a treat.  It is too hot to be outside, he hates water, not into toys so much.  The things he loves most are tasty things to chew on and human company.  So that's what we'll do!  I don't want to but I need to trim his nails first.  He's all clickaclickaclicka everywhere.

The frozen cookie experiment was a success!  I have 100 cookies cooling right now, and then I hope to make at least 200 more by tomorrow night.  Thank goodness for Sam's and 96oz bags of chocolate chips!  And also electric hand mixers. :-)

I have a dozen free range locally grown chicken eggs in the fridge.  I don't want to waste them but I don't know what to do with them.  I can make some over medium, or boil some, or make egg drop soup...  I want to use them in ways that showcase their superior flavor.

I've also been feeling very creative.  It seems like everything I see is a potential source of art material.  But I don't know how to begin with any of it.  Its that stupid perfection requirement again.  I don't want to waste any material or time on practice.  I want it to be right the first time.  So I don't start.  Rrrrr...  Where's my pillow.... Lol!  I want to make things with fabric and beads and metal and wood and everything!  I want to make jewelry and clothing and wall art and anything else I can imagine!  I don't know what to do first!!  There are so many snippets of ideas running around in my head that I can't focus on one thing.  Maybe I should write down all the idea snippets so they're easier to categorize and then I won't have to worry about forgetting anything.  Except where I put the paper...

Yeah.  That's what I'll do.

Really, no white coats.  Promise?

Working in the garden with my family was lots of fun.  Made me wish even more for a life like that.  Someday...

Sunday night DH left.  Lol!  Not like that!  There's this cop/drug/traffic conference thing down at the Windstar Casino.  Another guy was supposed to go but he couldn't so DH got to go.  So I'm a bachelorette until Thursday or Friday.  Whenever he gets back.  He's the only DA at the conference and the cops are loving it.  They want more DA's to start going.  He's answering all sorts of questions they have about the law and stuff.  He's having a great time.

I'm also having a nice time.  Last night I made a half batch of chocolate chip cookies to try freezing them.  If they don't lose quality it will make large batches much easier.  Like for the 12th Annual 3rd of July Party!  400 people eat a lot of cookies and I don't want to make them all at once if I don't have to.  I also watched TV and read some of one of my new books.  Tonight I watched some more TV and then I weed-eated.  Weed ate.  I mowed the backyard with the weedeater.  The terrain is still too much for the mower.  Now I am all showered and cooled off and I have a blister.  It has been a long time since I had a blister.  It is uncomfortable.  Perhaps I will poke it.

Ok that's better.  Fluid buildup on the palm side of your pinky knuckle is annoying.

I have not gotten to bed at a reasonable time in several days do I'm going to do that now.

random stuff

A couple of weeks ago I found some tobacco hornworms (Manduca sexta) on my tomatoes.  I decided to raise them indoors because 1. I have a hard time killing things and 2. it's been a long time since I raised caterpillars and it was fun.  At first I had 2.  I put them in a little cricket cage.  Then I found more.  And more.  They moved up to a 20 gallon tank with substrate and a mesh top (gerbil cage).  I think I ended up with 7 or so larvae.  A couple of days ago they started wandering and now they're in the pre-pupa stage.  Most of them are buried completely but I can see the butt of one caterpillar.  So when that little green butt turns brown I'll get in there and find the pupas.  You can tell the gender in the pupa stage.  Then in like 20 days or so the moths will emerge and I can feed them nectar or let them hang out in the garden and then after a week they'll lay eggs and die.  They're really cute and really grotesque at the same time.  I just don't touch them much.  Maybe I'll do better with the second generation.

I ordered three books the other day.  They should be here on Tuesday.  They deal with social skills and stuff.  I figure since I won't see the doctor until January, the best thing I can do is treat it like Aspergers and see if I improve.  That's what they do in medicine.  Treat for what you think it is and if that works, that's what you had.  Learning social skills won't make the underlying cause go away but it might let me keep my job.  I guess some people treat Aspergers as a disability with all the special treatment and paperwork and everything.  I don't want that AT ALL.  I just want to know why I'm different and how to capitalize on my strengths and lessen the weaknesses.  I feel like I should be more valuable because I think differently than most people.  I come up with creative solutions to problems all the time and the bosses look at me weird and then do what I suggest.  Richard has said several times that he would have never come up with the solution that I thought of almost immediately.  I also feel like my attention to detail and passion for quality work should make me valuable- and it does.  That's what's kept me there so long.  But lately I feel like I'm not allowed to perform up to my standards.  I feel like we all are supposed to cater to the lowest common denominator instead of raising everyone's skill level.  That frustration is what causes my "attitude problem".  So far the biggest change I've made at work is simply not voicing my frustrations unless I'm 100% sure that they won't travel up the ladder and get me in trouble.  When I do vent, I phrase it in the best possible way.  Like how I wish I could help them be more efficient.

This week has been crazy.  The kind of crazy where you either have to go postal or just laugh about it.  I chose to laugh.  Every day there were several big jobs that got messed up.  They were all caused by different people, and most of them were the most experienced people in the company.  One job was messed up by the outsource company.  Several were caused by the customer insisting they wanted it that way even though we knew they didn't.  One job got the inside printed upside down by the most experinced pressman we have.  Even [name omitted] himself had two pretty big oopses.  That usually doesn't happen, but like I said, it was a weird week.  But we got everything fixed and it's all ok now.  I hope next week is more normal.  One day I went to Matt with about 5 problems (needed to reprint the job) just while working on the cutter!  I usually don't do that 5 times in a week!  But it is over now and I can relax!

Until tomorrow morning when I'm getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to go help my family with Pappaw's garden.  He started a big garden and then we think he had another heart attack or heat stroke or something.  Either way, he's unable to tend the big garden and so we're all pitching in.  I think it will be fun though.  Most of my aunts will be there and some others too.  We'll have a good time together.

I bought a watermelon.  It is yummy.

Getting By

Well, during my research on why I'm a bad employee, I once again stumbled upon the autism spectrum.  Other than stimming (flapping, tics, repetative movements) I fit practically all of the requirements of Aspergar's Disorder.  Motivated by more failed attempts to understand what is required of me at work, I made an appointment to be evaluated.  In January.  Seriously, that was the first available appointment.  Seems like we need more phychologists out there who can diagnose adults with autism spectrum disorders.  I'm also on the cancellation list.  So if someone cancels and then 21 other people can't make it, I'll get a call. :-)

In the meantime, there are a few books I'm trying to get a hold of.  It seems I'm not the only person who has trouble with social interaction and unwritten rules of society.  But I'm apparently the only person who wants to get them on Kindle or from the library.  I have a hard time buying books.  It feels impractical.  I'm trying to convince myself that these are references that I'll use over and over.

I'm not sure what else to do at this point.  Do I reveal this possibility to my bosses in an attempt at understanding?  Or will that be more likely to get me fired than just limping along?  These are things I think I'm supposed to know instinctually but I don't.  I know that I would want the most information possible about why my employee is so difficult.  But it turns out that the need for data and knowledge is an Aspie trait so Chris may not care.  He may react badly to a conversation about it.

I really want to know what the bosses are thinking.  How close am I to being fired?  How many bad things have I done and am not aware of?  Yes, that happens frequently.  I'll find out months from now that some behavior is unacceptable.  So would a possible explanation bring understanding or more hate?  I don't know.

But right now I know I need to go to sleep.  Good night.

The thermometer is lying

The computer says it is 75 outside.  The weather station says it is 73 outside.  I went outside.  It is not in the 70s.  It is in the 90s.  I was immediately sweating.  No wind to speak of either.  Yuck.

I was planning to get up with the animals at 6:00 and do outdoor work but I didn't sleep that well so I slept in.  There's always tomorrow.

This week at work was better after Monday.  Monday I was just so upset about everything and I turned it all onto myself like Chris wanted and I cried all morning.  So then Monday night when I got home DH and I had to fight about my methods and then Mom called because she read the last blog and she was concerned.  So I decided to change my tactics.  Tuesday I tried turning my anger outward.  Instead of feeling contempt for myself, I felt it for Richard.  I was civil, but I didn't interact voluntarily.  It worked.  I didn't cry even once.  And I didn't get in trouble.  So I kept that up all week and my mood improved each day until I was having trouble being mad.  By Friday I was in such a good mood that I got in trouble again.  One of the drivers wanted to use the cart but it had stuff on it.  So I moved the stuff to the area where it needed to go.  I was supposed to not do that because then no one knows it's there or something?  I feel like giant stacks of paper are kind of hard to miss but I told one of the others that it was there after I was scolded.  The outward facing contempt thing was easier after that!  I also have been asking some of the other bosses if Chris has mentioned anything to them about me.  He hasn't so far but I have one more person to ask before I feel I can ask Chris if he really feels the way he said he feels about me. 

I'm also going back through the book and writing down the key points.

Don't: critisize, interrupt, talk about myself
Do: make others important, give praise at every opportunity, talk about things from the other person's perspective, show interest in others, smile, pretend to be happy, use peoples' names, show concentrated attention, encourage others to talk about themselves.

This is only partway through.  I haven't even gotten to the don't argue part yet and I think that's part 2.

On this list the things I struggle with are the smiling, the happy, and the talking about myself.  There will be more as I get to them.  I think the pretending to be happy part is where I'm getting the most negative consequenses at work.  Many people at work only put forth 50% of effort but they pretend they're happy and nothing bothers them and they get good treatment, promotions, and favorable interactions with Chris.  I give 120% every day but sometimes I get upset with others who don't give a crap and so I'm the problem.

Heh, one day I had to surrepticiously save the day.  Richard folded a mail job and put it over in the mail area.  I knew it had an insert but Richard didn't bother to look at that, or maybe the info wasn't even in the work order.  I don't know which; both happen frequently.  So I motioned Adam over and quietly told him that the job usually has an envelope that we have to put in it before mailing.  He's only been mailer for like 2 weeks so he had no idea.  I told him where to find the envelopes.  Turns out there were two inserts this time.  Once, this job went out without the return envelope and it was a big mess and we had to mail out another letter with the envelope at our cost.  I saved us a lot of money.  But I had to go behind Richard's back so he wouldn't get onto me for meddling.  Too bad I don't believe in Karma.  However, the internal satisfaction is enough for now.  I'm confident that someday I'll come out ahead.

All I really want is for Chris to apologize for saying horrible things to me, aknowledge that I make important contributions to his company,  and to admit that Richard is a jerk.

Pardon, a delusional jerk.  He seriously said last week that he has a good relationship with everyone there.  And he meant it!  He has no idea how his behavior is affecting his life and ours.  Actually, I think that's better though.  It gives him more humanity if he doesn't realize what he's doing.  If he knew and still did it, that would be worse.

Ok, enough of that.  It's the weekend.  This morning I checked the landscape and found a few disappointments and a few successes.  The cardinal vine and the jerusalem artichokes I got from the swap died.  I suspect ammonia poisoning.  They're on the fence between us and the neighbors who have male dogs.  Tuvok and the other dogs frequently engage in territory-defining behaviors.  I'm going to have to only plant established plants there with leaves above urine stream height.  But most of the other plants are doing well and the lantana that I thought I lost when it got trampled by the plumbers has resprouted from the root!  I stopped letting Tuvok out in the front yard when I can't watch him very closely.  So he's stopped spraying the snow hill salvia and it is recovering beautifully and putting out lots of new bloom spikes.  What a great plant!  I should mention that I'm getting paid for saying that... I was pulling weeds around the salvia this morning and I found a $5 bill.  So yeah.  (Ok, I just spent like 15 minutes trying to make a smiley face with this font.  I give up for now.)

Here is a glimpse of the cuteness we must endure on a daily basis.  It is tough, but we manage.

You caught me!

I don't think these pansies are going to survive the summer...

Somebody Turned on the Summer

We got the AC fixed just in time. Summer happened.  But the garden is happy.

Rose of Sharon

Homestead Flynn's flower

Shasta Daisy

Rudbeckia with bee

Marigold

Osteospermum

Laura Bush Petunia

Petunia

Ladyug eating aphids on the Rose of Sharon

Aloe "Red" flower buds

Ornamental Pepper flower

Angel Trumpet flower

Bee on Lavender

This is the time of year when the plants are growing quickly and flowering but the weeds aren't too tall yet.  I like this time.

Work is interesting.  This week the guy that has the desk job that I wanted got another job.  I may or may not get asked to take his position.  I don't think I have the standing right now to ask for the job.  Richard is trying to be nicer.  He says please and thank you (when he remembers) and has passed up several opportunities to be hateful.  On Thursday I ran the cutter all day and during the morning I cut a casino mailer that we do all the time.  Usually when we cut this job we go ahead and get it ready to mail as well even though that's technically the mailer's job.  So that's what I did.   On Friday morning the mailer guy comes by and tells me that Richard told him not to talk to me in the mornings because he distracts me.  At first I was baffled but then I remembered that I did that casino mailer and so instead of asking my why I was getting the mailer ready and letting me explain that it's the way we usually do it but I don't have to do that anymore, he told the mailer not to talk to me so I wouldn't be distracted.  I was livid.  I was so mad I was shaking.  I had to go outside and wail on the dumpster with some pvc pipe I found.  But that helped and I was able to go back to work just fine after that.  But I did not talk to Richard voluntarily the rest of the morning.  He left at lunch for vacation fortunately because I was having trouble holding my anger.  He's also gone on Monday.  Needless to say, I am relieved to have a day free of that and I also would really like to have that desk job and no longer have this boss.  I don't know if maybe he was trying to not have a confrontation with me or "get me in trouble" or what but being passive agressive and going behind my back to tell someone else not to interact with me is extremely humiliating.  This is at least the second time he's done this.  I don't know how many people he's told to not talk to me but two of them have told me about it.  The first time was before he was even my boss.  He told one of the drivers not to talk to me because he was trying to teach me how to be a team player. (?!)  Apparently what Richard didn't like was when the driver had questions about where things were I would help him find the answer.  First, he wasn't my boss in any way.  Second, even if he were, he should be able to simply tell me he didn't want us helping the drivers find stuff.  Third, what a jerk.

Many more people have had confrontations with Richard.  Many people have told me how much they hate him.  Like there's anything I can do.  The company is on Richard's side.  I lost all my status, importance, responsibilities, usefulness, everything when Richard became the boss and I asked for advice on what to do about his hatefulness.  I got in trouble and was told that his behavior was my fault.  I was told that I am a caustic force in all my relationships and eventually I alone will ruin them all.  I was told that I deserve to be fired many times over but he believes I can become a better person.  I've spent two years trying to believe that I am worth something.  Many therapy appointments.  Lots of work.  I had almost gotten there and then in one conversation, Chris completely destroyed me.  This past month has been hard.  I cry almost every day.  It's one thing to be depressed because that's all you've known, but to be depressed and know what it means to be happy is way worse.  Any self confidence I had is gone.  And because this is the only way I know how to be a "good employee", I have to just be sad all the time.  I've lost almost all my work friends because I'm so miserable to be around.  I'm miserable.  I don't want to quit because of one person.  I used to love my job and I think I could again.  But this is miserable.

Chris told me to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" so I am.  I'm mostly done with it.  So far the book is about how to be a good boss.  Maybe Richard should read it.  But I did get some good information about how most people don't really care about having correct information or being right.  I'm supposed to let them be wrong or believe faulty information so they can save face and I don't argue.  Makes no sense to me.  Accurate information is one of the most important things in my life.  But ok, I won't argue or tell others they're wrong.  Whatever.

Apparently I'm supposed to smile.  Smiling does not come natural to me.  Especially this month.  It feels like a lie and it makes me cry.  It reminds me that I used to feel like smiling and I didn't have to concentrate to do it.  So now I avoid eye contact so I don't have to smile.

Everything else is how to be a better boss and make your employees feel important and worthwhile.  Maybe Chris needs to read this book again.  But I'm almost done, and then I'll review it and take notes before I have another meeting with him to discuss what I've learned.

DH has been wonderful and supportive throughout the process and he makes home happy.  I'm very thankful for him and whichever friend told him how to be this way.

Garden Tour

Here's a tour of my yard:

Sunchokes from Swap

Cypress Vine from Swap

Dwarf Burning Bush $2.50 @ Lowes

Daylilies that came with the house

Hyacinth Bean from the swap

White Butterfly Bush $3 @ Under The Sun

Clematis from Mom.  They might make it!

Angel Trumpet.  Gonna have to move it somewhere else

Front bed with daylilies and salvia and lots of things yet to bloom

White Hill Salvia.  I love this plant!

Rudbeckia $3 @ Under The Sun

Baby Zinnia from seed

Anyone know what this is?  It was $1.12 at Lowes so I brought it home.

The north side of the house post plumber.

Apricot Hibiscus tree $5 at Lowes

My Begonia is blooming!

Ornamental Peppers with petunias.  Peppers $4, all in one pot, purple petunia $1.50 at Lowes, Laura Bush petunias from swap.

New gardening shoes, $7 at WalMart

Fig tree from Grandma Carol

Desert Rose (Adenium obesum) $14 @ WalMart

Our house works again

On Monday I got much less done than I had hoped. I took lots of pictures for DH since he was at work but still wanted to be in control of the situation. I made lots of tea and lemonade for the guys and then I brought DH home at noon. Guess he just couldn't take it anymore! It was still too hot to do any work so we sat around in front of the fans and watched the plumbers. It took them longer than they thought because our main sewer line wasn't as deep as they thought and so they had to add lots of piping and go out further into the yard to connect it. Something about the grade. They left at like 8:00 and we had AC, laundry, and the sink back but not the dishwasher or the garbage disposal. Those got fixed the next day when they finished up. That was the day of the tornadoes.

Mic digging up my yard

Michael leveling the ground for the new pipe

My pretty soil!

Tuvok is ready for the AC to be fixed

Since Richard is from California, he had no idea what that day meant. I don't know if he watches the news or anything but he had no idea what tornadoes are capeable of or what a PDS tornado watch means. When I explained it to him he thought I was just trying to scare him. The storms fired up at 1:50 and I watched them on my phone radar until we decided to make a break for it at 4:00. The government offices had all shut down at 3:30 and many other companies had followed suit, which just meant that rush hour was an hour earlier. Everyone was in a panic and the highways were at a standstill. I took side roads home and it still took me half an hour longer than it normally would. That was kind of scary. I was listening to KFOR storm coverage on the radio, stuck in traffic, with the giant storm looming in my rear window. David Payne was busy driving into a tornado and Mike Morgan kept marvelling at the debris balls. Since the broadcast was meant for TV, they weren't really saying where they were. Little bit of freaking out there! All the cell towers were jammed and it took several tries to send text updates at stoplights. So there was no way DH and I could communicate about storm prep until I got home.

Since I hadn't seen the radar in 45 minutes I thought the tornadoes were much closer than they were so I was in a hurry, and then DH and I argued for a few minutes before we realized what the deal was. Then we were fine. We got the shelter set up and popped a pizza in the oven. The tornadoes were still half an hour away. We were in the line of the Chickasha storm and it got right on top of us before it started to fizzle. We were standing in the living room, eating pizza with our coats on, ready to run to the shelter any second. It was kind of funny. It reminded me of a couple of years ago when we had Dave and Froggi over and a storm came. We were all standing next to the closet, peeking around to see the TV, and eating potato soup.

But the storm fizzled and we only got a minute of small hail and a ton of wind and rain. The backyard was a muddy mess from the plumbing reroute. But everything was good so DH turned his attention to cleaning up two weeks of plumbing disaster. And then I had a meltdown.

All the stress of the plumbing, the yard being dug up and trampled, and the tornadoes just came out all at once. And I think they had stirred up something I'm allergic to, because my legs were super itchy and my feet were swollen. And then we realized that I ran out of my Effexor sometime during the last week but we were so distracted we didn't notice. So yeah, meltdown. But DH handled it with amazing skill and he held me until I felt better and then he developed a plan to get things cleaned up but not too much at once so I wouldn't be overwhelmed. And we refilled my meds.

Needless to say, I felt progressively better over the next few days as the meds got back in my system and we got the house cleaned up.

Prickly Pear flower

This weekend we decided to have a staycation.  It is our 7th anniversary.  We have basically just hung out at home and then gone to eat at restaraunts.  Yesterday we ran errands.  Thrill-a-minute!  We were going to visit the Museum of Osteology yesterday but I didn't wake up in time.  No biggie.  Today DH is going to go to work to get caught up on stuff and I'm going to shop some more, and then we're going to have dinner at the inlaws.  Oh, and I'm going to make a blackberry cobbler for that.

It is super windy today.  We're in a wind advisory.  Blech.  At least it feels cooler when it's windy.  But my poor plants are not liking it at all.  I went out and took some pictures so I'll make a new post fot that.