First thing this morning we... went back to bed. I decided it wasn't nice to wake up all the neighbors at 6 in the morning. So at 7:30 we got out the tiller, and broke the pull cord. I spent waaaay too long trying to fix it. One of the bolts was blocked by a bar but I finally was able to loosen the bar's bolt enough to get the ratchet in there. Then I couldn't get the screw loose on the winder. That took forever too and then I realized I didn't need to take off the screw in the first place. So I made a new knot and reattached the starter. It didn't wind. I messed with it for a while and then came inside. After some google searching I discovered a fundamental truth about pull starters: wind the starter, then insert and knot the cord. Not the other way around. So I got it all put back together and we started tilling at about 10:00. By 11:30 we were both totally worn out. I put the sprinkler on the area, which I should have done last night. But the rental guy said not to. Maybe not under normal circumstances but we have no soil moisture and clumps of clay. We need water in the soil to make it friable. So this evening I'm going to go back out and see how much progress we made and if I need to till more or if I can just rake everything into submission. We did get quite a bit of the hills smoothed out so hopefully if there is more to be done, it won't be much.
Yes, I know I shouldn't have tried to service a piece of rental equipment. But I fixed it, so there! :-)
So in other news, I'm doing pretty well at work. It is getting easier to maintain my belief in my own abilities despite Richard's shenannegins. I get to deflate him pretty regularly. Not by really doing anything except not reacting and also being right. He is continuing to piss off just about everyone there and I kind of feel like I'm watching a spectator sport, just waiting for him to get himself fired or demoted or at least a stern talking to.
Right now we're babysitting Dave and Froggi's animals while they help a friend move stuff across the country. We now have 5 cats, 2 dogs, a snake, and a chinchilla. Dinnertime is quite the adventure. Everyone wants to eat each other's food so everyone has to be separated. Since two days isn't long enough to establish a routine in the minds of kitties, I literally get to herd cats twice a day. Lol!
Other than the yard, my goal tonight is to work on my houseplants. Some need to be repotted. I dug up my dwarf burning bush and brought it inside to see if I can save it. There aren't any leaves left on it but several of the twigs are still green.
Oh, yesterday morning I got up early and mowed the front and the back, and weeded bed 3, the long bed beside the driveway. I think there's less than half of the plant material left in the garden! But all the native morning glories are out of there and most of the crabgrass. It looks good.
If we go back into a la Nina next year, I think I'll cover bed 3 with cosmos. It is doing great in the heat and drought. And if I let one or two of those morning glories grow from the beginning of spring, they'll flower all summer too while they crawl through the cosmos. Orange and blue look good together. If we have a more normal pattern, I may try to put some veggies in instead. I think either way, I will move the Datura over there from bed 1. It is way too big for the space. I think it will do nicely between the mint and the forsythia up near the house. Last year, the first year I had it, it grew about 4 feet wide and tall. I thought it was an annual. Nope! By June this year, it had grown past the 4 foot mark. It's now about 5.5-6 feet tall and wider than that. Bed 1 is only 2.5 feet front to back and it is in front of the front porch, you know, where the porch chairs are. It makes the front porch almost unusable! It's a keeper for sure, but not where it is now.
Ok, time for dinner for the animals. Cat herding, commence!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Can't ever be easy
Trying a new blog app
Although we got this iPad at the beginning of July, I am just now getting around to messing with the blogger app. I let DH use the iPad most of the time when we're home because it has a bigger screen and I can just walk over to the computer to do stuff. But now I can blog in bed or out in the hammock, not that I'd want to.
Yeah, we were supposed to have a day where the high was only 99F this week but it hit 100 anyway. We're burning our way to some really significant weather records. Lows have been around 80.
We rented a tiller to level the backyard. After investigating several options, we decided to just bite the bullet and fix it. Civil twilight is at 6:04 tomorrow and we're planning to have tines in the ground by 6:10. Gotta get it out of the car, into the backyard, and remember how the thing works. DH has volunteered to run it. Apparently it pulls as it digs and we think I might not have the mass to keep it where I want it. At least not if I want to make it to work on Monday!
So, speaking of 6:04am, it is midnight and I'm going to put my new toy away now.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
My Brain is a Crazy Place
Well, let's see. What has happened since the last time... DH is home; he had a blast. I finished book 1 of 3 that I have and found 2 others I want to read. Yesterday at the end of the day I had a conversation with Chris about stuff. I didn't reveal anything about ASD but I was able to explain more about where I'm coming from and what my brain is doing. I know books don't have all the answers but they do help me find words to help others understand me. He seemed to get it more, like really understand what I'm going through. We both agreed on many points, like self esteem (or lack of) is the main root of the problems at work. We discussed how neither of us knows what to do about it and he knows I'm on the search for information. I feel encouraged. He made sure I knew that I was a good employee and that the self esteem issue is really the only one as far as he's concerned. He doesn't think I'm as horrible as I thought he did. Yes, I know that's how it always goes.
Afterwards another friend listened to me for a long time and that was helpful. I don't usually feel safe talking about my deepest thoughts and feelings because they scare people. Just because I feel things doesn't mean I'm going to act on them. Even though my perspective is clouded, I still know what is a bad idea. I know they are temporary feelings.
In the mean time I need to find a better outlet for anger energy. Right now when I get angry (or frustrated, same category), I channel the rage into tears. That is better than flying off the handle at work. But crying is only a little more acceptable than screaming and hitting. One time I took it out on the dumpster out back and it was very effective but DH thinks that's worse than crying. I can't hurt the dumpster and usually there aren't people back there. The stick I would use is soft as far as things like that go. It only takes 30 seconds or less to relieve the pressure as opposed to several hours of crying. Maybe there's an even more secluded place around the corner of the building. I'll have to investigate that. So then when I become angry and I feel like I'm going to explode I can hold it until I can take a quick break and go outside and beat on something with my rubber cutter stick. When I was a kid I did the same thing with pillows. I knew I could beat on the bed, the dresser, the walls all I wanted and I wouldn't damage anything, which would start the anger all over again. I never wanted to be bad or harmful but I had to have an outlet for all that anger. It feels like I'm radioactive and it's pulsing stronger and stronger until it just bursts my body. I thought everyone felt that way until I read this book and they talked about it like it was unique to ASD. Hm. No wonder others don't cry at work. They won't explode if they stay calm.
At various times in my life I've been self-harming. Hitting myself in the head, biting myself, scratching myself, etc. Again it was a desperate attempt to bleed out the overwhelming rage. I thought somehow the physical pain would lessen the emotional pain. It never really worked. Maybe I wasn't doing it right. But when you're literally about to explode from your pores, you'll try anything you can think of. I think I understand why it doesn't work- it doesn't actually release the energy. If you know anyone like me or had(have) a kid like me, maybe that gives you some insight into why they do crazy stuff.
I don't know where the rage came from when I was younger. I think I was angry at myself for existing. I felt like I was a net drain on everyone. Ha. I'm talking in the past tense like I don't feel that way now. No amount of good I could ever do will make up for the fact that I simply exist. That is what people, kids and adults, like me really feel inside. We don't have to be told this; to us it is an obvious, undeniable truth. No amount of praise or love will make us believe anything else. It comes preloaded in our brain. I know that ceasing to exist at this point would harm the people who care about me so my only option is to keep on trying to do as little damage as possible. I know people have overcome this thinking. But I don't yet know what they did to be successful. That is the main focus of my reading. So I'll keep you updated.
I just had an idea for a product. A pillow type object that feels good to grip and swing, feels satisfying when you hit something with it, and won't damage furniture. It needs to be heavy...maybe have wax beads in the mix...it needs to make a good 'thwupf' when it comes in contact with stuff. The thing is, kids, teens, and adults who feel anger like I do need a way to release that energy. This might help. I haven't found any method that is quicker and more effective than hitting an object with another object.
Well boys and girls, that concludes today's lesson in People Who Have Brain Malfunctions. Lol!
I don't want men in white coats knocking at my door, ok? I only feel this stuff at work, and only since Richard showed up. I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with bad bosses because I'm likely to have a bad boss no matter where I work. And besides, compared to this, pretty much any boss will be awesome! I don't know any person at work or who comes in to work on our machines that has not had a bad experience with him. Good training material, I say!
In other parts of life, Tuvok turns 3 today! I'm going to take him to PetSmart and let him pick out a treat. It is too hot to be outside, he hates water, not into toys so much. The things he loves most are tasty things to chew on and human company. So that's what we'll do! I don't want to but I need to trim his nails first. He's all clickaclickaclicka everywhere.
The frozen cookie experiment was a success! I have 100 cookies cooling right now, and then I hope to make at least 200 more by tomorrow night. Thank goodness for Sam's and 96oz bags of chocolate chips! And also electric hand mixers. :-)
I have a dozen free range locally grown chicken eggs in the fridge. I don't want to waste them but I don't know what to do with them. I can make some over medium, or boil some, or make egg drop soup... I want to use them in ways that showcase their superior flavor.
I've also been feeling very creative. It seems like everything I see is a potential source of art material. But I don't know how to begin with any of it. Its that stupid perfection requirement again. I don't want to waste any material or time on practice. I want it to be right the first time. So I don't start. Rrrrr... Where's my pillow.... Lol! I want to make things with fabric and beads and metal and wood and everything! I want to make jewelry and clothing and wall art and anything else I can imagine! I don't know what to do first!! There are so many snippets of ideas running around in my head that I can't focus on one thing. Maybe I should write down all the idea snippets so they're easier to categorize and then I won't have to worry about forgetting anything. Except where I put the paper...
Yeah. That's what I'll do.
Really, no white coats. Promise?
Afterwards another friend listened to me for a long time and that was helpful. I don't usually feel safe talking about my deepest thoughts and feelings because they scare people. Just because I feel things doesn't mean I'm going to act on them. Even though my perspective is clouded, I still know what is a bad idea. I know they are temporary feelings.
In the mean time I need to find a better outlet for anger energy. Right now when I get angry (or frustrated, same category), I channel the rage into tears. That is better than flying off the handle at work. But crying is only a little more acceptable than screaming and hitting. One time I took it out on the dumpster out back and it was very effective but DH thinks that's worse than crying. I can't hurt the dumpster and usually there aren't people back there. The stick I would use is soft as far as things like that go. It only takes 30 seconds or less to relieve the pressure as opposed to several hours of crying. Maybe there's an even more secluded place around the corner of the building. I'll have to investigate that. So then when I become angry and I feel like I'm going to explode I can hold it until I can take a quick break and go outside and beat on something with my rubber cutter stick. When I was a kid I did the same thing with pillows. I knew I could beat on the bed, the dresser, the walls all I wanted and I wouldn't damage anything, which would start the anger all over again. I never wanted to be bad or harmful but I had to have an outlet for all that anger. It feels like I'm radioactive and it's pulsing stronger and stronger until it just bursts my body. I thought everyone felt that way until I read this book and they talked about it like it was unique to ASD. Hm. No wonder others don't cry at work. They won't explode if they stay calm.
At various times in my life I've been self-harming. Hitting myself in the head, biting myself, scratching myself, etc. Again it was a desperate attempt to bleed out the overwhelming rage. I thought somehow the physical pain would lessen the emotional pain. It never really worked. Maybe I wasn't doing it right. But when you're literally about to explode from your pores, you'll try anything you can think of. I think I understand why it doesn't work- it doesn't actually release the energy. If you know anyone like me or had(have) a kid like me, maybe that gives you some insight into why they do crazy stuff.
I don't know where the rage came from when I was younger. I think I was angry at myself for existing. I felt like I was a net drain on everyone. Ha. I'm talking in the past tense like I don't feel that way now. No amount of good I could ever do will make up for the fact that I simply exist. That is what people, kids and adults, like me really feel inside. We don't have to be told this; to us it is an obvious, undeniable truth. No amount of praise or love will make us believe anything else. It comes preloaded in our brain. I know that ceasing to exist at this point would harm the people who care about me so my only option is to keep on trying to do as little damage as possible. I know people have overcome this thinking. But I don't yet know what they did to be successful. That is the main focus of my reading. So I'll keep you updated.
I just had an idea for a product. A pillow type object that feels good to grip and swing, feels satisfying when you hit something with it, and won't damage furniture. It needs to be heavy...maybe have wax beads in the mix...it needs to make a good 'thwupf' when it comes in contact with stuff. The thing is, kids, teens, and adults who feel anger like I do need a way to release that energy. This might help. I haven't found any method that is quicker and more effective than hitting an object with another object.
Well boys and girls, that concludes today's lesson in People Who Have Brain Malfunctions. Lol!
I don't want men in white coats knocking at my door, ok? I only feel this stuff at work, and only since Richard showed up. I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with bad bosses because I'm likely to have a bad boss no matter where I work. And besides, compared to this, pretty much any boss will be awesome! I don't know any person at work or who comes in to work on our machines that has not had a bad experience with him. Good training material, I say!
In other parts of life, Tuvok turns 3 today! I'm going to take him to PetSmart and let him pick out a treat. It is too hot to be outside, he hates water, not into toys so much. The things he loves most are tasty things to chew on and human company. So that's what we'll do! I don't want to but I need to trim his nails first. He's all clickaclickaclicka everywhere.
The frozen cookie experiment was a success! I have 100 cookies cooling right now, and then I hope to make at least 200 more by tomorrow night. Thank goodness for Sam's and 96oz bags of chocolate chips! And also electric hand mixers. :-)
I have a dozen free range locally grown chicken eggs in the fridge. I don't want to waste them but I don't know what to do with them. I can make some over medium, or boil some, or make egg drop soup... I want to use them in ways that showcase their superior flavor.
I've also been feeling very creative. It seems like everything I see is a potential source of art material. But I don't know how to begin with any of it. Its that stupid perfection requirement again. I don't want to waste any material or time on practice. I want it to be right the first time. So I don't start. Rrrrr... Where's my pillow.... Lol! I want to make things with fabric and beads and metal and wood and everything! I want to make jewelry and clothing and wall art and anything else I can imagine! I don't know what to do first!! There are so many snippets of ideas running around in my head that I can't focus on one thing. Maybe I should write down all the idea snippets so they're easier to categorize and then I won't have to worry about forgetting anything. Except where I put the paper...
Yeah. That's what I'll do.
Really, no white coats. Promise?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Working in the garden with my family was lots of fun. Made me wish even more for a life like that. Someday...
Sunday night DH left. Lol! Not like that! There's this cop/drug/traffic conference thing down at the Windstar Casino. Another guy was supposed to go but he couldn't so DH got to go. So I'm a bachelorette until Thursday or Friday. Whenever he gets back. He's the only DA at the conference and the cops are loving it. They want more DA's to start going. He's answering all sorts of questions they have about the law and stuff. He's having a great time.
I'm also having a nice time. Last night I made a half batch of chocolate chip cookies to try freezing them. If they don't lose quality it will make large batches much easier. Like for the 12th Annual 3rd of July Party! 400 people eat a lot of cookies and I don't want to make them all at once if I don't have to. I also watched TV and read some of one of my new books. Tonight I watched some more TV and then I weed-eated. Weed ate. I mowed the backyard with the weedeater. The terrain is still too much for the mower. Now I am all showered and cooled off and I have a blister. It has been a long time since I had a blister. It is uncomfortable. Perhaps I will poke it.
Ok that's better. Fluid buildup on the palm side of your pinky knuckle is annoying.
I have not gotten to bed at a reasonable time in several days do I'm going to do that now.
Sunday night DH left. Lol! Not like that! There's this cop/drug/traffic conference thing down at the Windstar Casino. Another guy was supposed to go but he couldn't so DH got to go. So I'm a bachelorette until Thursday or Friday. Whenever he gets back. He's the only DA at the conference and the cops are loving it. They want more DA's to start going. He's answering all sorts of questions they have about the law and stuff. He's having a great time.
I'm also having a nice time. Last night I made a half batch of chocolate chip cookies to try freezing them. If they don't lose quality it will make large batches much easier. Like for the 12th Annual 3rd of July Party! 400 people eat a lot of cookies and I don't want to make them all at once if I don't have to. I also watched TV and read some of one of my new books. Tonight I watched some more TV and then I weed-eated. Weed ate. I mowed the backyard with the weedeater. The terrain is still too much for the mower. Now I am all showered and cooled off and I have a blister. It has been a long time since I had a blister. It is uncomfortable. Perhaps I will poke it.
Ok that's better. Fluid buildup on the palm side of your pinky knuckle is annoying.
I have not gotten to bed at a reasonable time in several days do I'm going to do that now.
Friday, June 24, 2011
random stuff
A couple of weeks ago I found some tobacco hornworms (Manduca sexta) on my tomatoes. I decided to raise them indoors because 1. I have a hard time killing things and 2. it's been a long time since I raised caterpillars and it was fun. At first I had 2. I put them in a little cricket cage. Then I found more. And more. They moved up to a 20 gallon tank with substrate and a mesh top (gerbil cage). I think I ended up with 7 or so larvae. A couple of days ago they started wandering and now they're in the pre-pupa stage. Most of them are buried completely but I can see the butt of one caterpillar. So when that little green butt turns brown I'll get in there and find the pupas. You can tell the gender in the pupa stage. Then in like 20 days or so the moths will emerge and I can feed them nectar or let them hang out in the garden and then after a week they'll lay eggs and die. They're really cute and really grotesque at the same time. I just don't touch them much. Maybe I'll do better with the second generation.
I ordered three books the other day. They should be here on Tuesday. They deal with social skills and stuff. I figure since I won't see the doctor until January, the best thing I can do is treat it like Aspergers and see if I improve. That's what they do in medicine. Treat for what you think it is and if that works, that's what you had. Learning social skills won't make the underlying cause go away but it might let me keep my job. I guess some people treat Aspergers as a disability with all the special treatment and paperwork and everything. I don't want that AT ALL. I just want to know why I'm different and how to capitalize on my strengths and lessen the weaknesses. I feel like I should be more valuable because I think differently than most people. I come up with creative solutions to problems all the time and the bosses look at me weird and then do what I suggest. Richard has said several times that he would have never come up with the solution that I thought of almost immediately. I also feel like my attention to detail and passion for quality work should make me valuable- and it does. That's what's kept me there so long. But lately I feel like I'm not allowed to perform up to my standards. I feel like we all are supposed to cater to the lowest common denominator instead of raising everyone's skill level. That frustration is what causes my "attitude problem". So far the biggest change I've made at work is simply not voicing my frustrations unless I'm 100% sure that they won't travel up the ladder and get me in trouble. When I do vent, I phrase it in the best possible way. Like how I wish I could help them be more efficient.
This week has been crazy. The kind of crazy where you either have to go postal or just laugh about it. I chose to laugh. Every day there were several big jobs that got messed up. They were all caused by different people, and most of them were the most experienced people in the company. One job was messed up by the outsource company. Several were caused by the customer insisting they wanted it that way even though we knew they didn't. One job got the inside printed upside down by the most experinced pressman we have. Even [name omitted] himself had two pretty big oopses. That usually doesn't happen, but like I said, it was a weird week. But we got everything fixed and it's all ok now. I hope next week is more normal. One day I went to Matt with about 5 problems (needed to reprint the job) just while working on the cutter! I usually don't do that 5 times in a week! But it is over now and I can relax!
Until tomorrow morning when I'm getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to go help my family with Pappaw's garden. He started a big garden and then we think he had another heart attack or heat stroke or something. Either way, he's unable to tend the big garden and so we're all pitching in. I think it will be fun though. Most of my aunts will be there and some others too. We'll have a good time together.
I bought a watermelon. It is yummy.
I ordered three books the other day. They should be here on Tuesday. They deal with social skills and stuff. I figure since I won't see the doctor until January, the best thing I can do is treat it like Aspergers and see if I improve. That's what they do in medicine. Treat for what you think it is and if that works, that's what you had. Learning social skills won't make the underlying cause go away but it might let me keep my job. I guess some people treat Aspergers as a disability with all the special treatment and paperwork and everything. I don't want that AT ALL. I just want to know why I'm different and how to capitalize on my strengths and lessen the weaknesses. I feel like I should be more valuable because I think differently than most people. I come up with creative solutions to problems all the time and the bosses look at me weird and then do what I suggest. Richard has said several times that he would have never come up with the solution that I thought of almost immediately. I also feel like my attention to detail and passion for quality work should make me valuable- and it does. That's what's kept me there so long. But lately I feel like I'm not allowed to perform up to my standards. I feel like we all are supposed to cater to the lowest common denominator instead of raising everyone's skill level. That frustration is what causes my "attitude problem". So far the biggest change I've made at work is simply not voicing my frustrations unless I'm 100% sure that they won't travel up the ladder and get me in trouble. When I do vent, I phrase it in the best possible way. Like how I wish I could help them be more efficient.
This week has been crazy. The kind of crazy where you either have to go postal or just laugh about it. I chose to laugh. Every day there were several big jobs that got messed up. They were all caused by different people, and most of them were the most experienced people in the company. One job was messed up by the outsource company. Several were caused by the customer insisting they wanted it that way even though we knew they didn't. One job got the inside printed upside down by the most experinced pressman we have. Even [name omitted] himself had two pretty big oopses. That usually doesn't happen, but like I said, it was a weird week. But we got everything fixed and it's all ok now. I hope next week is more normal. One day I went to Matt with about 5 problems (needed to reprint the job) just while working on the cutter! I usually don't do that 5 times in a week! But it is over now and I can relax!
Until tomorrow morning when I'm getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to go help my family with Pappaw's garden. He started a big garden and then we think he had another heart attack or heat stroke or something. Either way, he's unable to tend the big garden and so we're all pitching in. I think it will be fun though. Most of my aunts will be there and some others too. We'll have a good time together.
I bought a watermelon. It is yummy.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Getting By
Well, during my research on why I'm a bad employee, I once again stumbled upon the autism spectrum. Other than stimming (flapping, tics, repetative movements) I fit practically all of the requirements of Aspergar's Disorder. Motivated by more failed attempts to understand what is required of me at work, I made an appointment to be evaluated. In January. Seriously, that was the first available appointment. Seems like we need more phychologists out there who can diagnose adults with autism spectrum disorders. I'm also on the cancellation list. So if someone cancels and then 21 other people can't make it, I'll get a call. :-)
In the meantime, there are a few books I'm trying to get a hold of. It seems I'm not the only person who has trouble with social interaction and unwritten rules of society. But I'm apparently the only person who wants to get them on Kindle or from the library. I have a hard time buying books. It feels impractical. I'm trying to convince myself that these are references that I'll use over and over.
I'm not sure what else to do at this point. Do I reveal this possibility to my bosses in an attempt at understanding? Or will that be more likely to get me fired than just limping along? These are things I think I'm supposed to know instinctually but I don't. I know that I would want the most information possible about why my employee is so difficult. But it turns out that the need for data and knowledge is an Aspie trait so Chris may not care. He may react badly to a conversation about it.
I really want to know what the bosses are thinking. How close am I to being fired? How many bad things have I done and am not aware of? Yes, that happens frequently. I'll find out months from now that some behavior is unacceptable. So would a possible explanation bring understanding or more hate? I don't know.
But right now I know I need to go to sleep. Good night.
In the meantime, there are a few books I'm trying to get a hold of. It seems I'm not the only person who has trouble with social interaction and unwritten rules of society. But I'm apparently the only person who wants to get them on Kindle or from the library. I have a hard time buying books. It feels impractical. I'm trying to convince myself that these are references that I'll use over and over.
I'm not sure what else to do at this point. Do I reveal this possibility to my bosses in an attempt at understanding? Or will that be more likely to get me fired than just limping along? These are things I think I'm supposed to know instinctually but I don't. I know that I would want the most information possible about why my employee is so difficult. But it turns out that the need for data and knowledge is an Aspie trait so Chris may not care. He may react badly to a conversation about it.
I really want to know what the bosses are thinking. How close am I to being fired? How many bad things have I done and am not aware of? Yes, that happens frequently. I'll find out months from now that some behavior is unacceptable. So would a possible explanation bring understanding or more hate? I don't know.
But right now I know I need to go to sleep. Good night.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The thermometer is lying
The computer says it is 75 outside. The weather station says it is 73 outside. I went outside. It is not in the 70s. It is in the 90s. I was immediately sweating. No wind to speak of either. Yuck.
I was planning to get up with the animals at 6:00 and do outdoor work but I didn't sleep that well so I slept in. There's always tomorrow.
This week at work was better after Monday. Monday I was just so upset about everything and I turned it all onto myself like Chris wanted and I cried all morning. So then Monday night when I got home DH and I had to fight about my methods and then Mom called because she read the last blog and she was concerned. So I decided to change my tactics. Tuesday I tried turning my anger outward. Instead of feeling contempt for myself, I felt it for Richard. I was civil, but I didn't interact voluntarily. It worked. I didn't cry even once. And I didn't get in trouble. So I kept that up all week and my mood improved each day until I was having trouble being mad. By Friday I was in such a good mood that I got in trouble again. One of the drivers wanted to use the cart but it had stuff on it. So I moved the stuff to the area where it needed to go. I was supposed to not do that because then no one knows it's there or something? I feel like giant stacks of paper are kind of hard to miss but I told one of the others that it was there after I was scolded. The outward facing contempt thing was easier after that! I also have been asking some of the other bosses if Chris has mentioned anything to them about me. He hasn't so far but I have one more person to ask before I feel I can ask Chris if he really feels the way he said he feels about me.
I'm also going back through the book and writing down the key points.
Don't: critisize, interrupt, talk about myself
Do: make others important, give praise at every opportunity, talk about things from the other person's perspective, show interest in others, smile, pretend to be happy, use peoples' names, show concentrated attention, encourage others to talk about themselves.
This is only partway through. I haven't even gotten to the don't argue part yet and I think that's part 2.
On this list the things I struggle with are the smiling, the happy, and the talking about myself. There will be more as I get to them. I think the pretending to be happy part is where I'm getting the most negative consequenses at work. Many people at work only put forth 50% of effort but they pretend they're happy and nothing bothers them and they get good treatment, promotions, and favorable interactions with Chris. I give 120% every day but sometimes I get upset with others who don't give a crap and so I'm the problem.
Heh, one day I had to surrepticiously save the day. Richard folded a mail job and put it over in the mail area. I knew it had an insert but Richard didn't bother to look at that, or maybe the info wasn't even in the work order. I don't know which; both happen frequently. So I motioned Adam over and quietly told him that the job usually has an envelope that we have to put in it before mailing. He's only been mailer for like 2 weeks so he had no idea. I told him where to find the envelopes. Turns out there were two inserts this time. Once, this job went out without the return envelope and it was a big mess and we had to mail out another letter with the envelope at our cost. I saved us a lot of money. But I had to go behind Richard's back so he wouldn't get onto me for meddling. Too bad I don't believe in Karma. However, the internal satisfaction is enough for now. I'm confident that someday I'll come out ahead.
All I really want is for Chris to apologize for saying horrible things to me, aknowledge that I make important contributions to his company, and to admit that Richard is a jerk.
Pardon, a delusional jerk. He seriously said last week that he has a good relationship with everyone there. And he meant it! He has no idea how his behavior is affecting his life and ours. Actually, I think that's better though. It gives him more humanity if he doesn't realize what he's doing. If he knew and still did it, that would be worse.
Ok, enough of that. It's the weekend. This morning I checked the landscape and found a few disappointments and a few successes. The cardinal vine and the jerusalem artichokes I got from the swap died. I suspect ammonia poisoning. They're on the fence between us and the neighbors who have male dogs. Tuvok and the other dogs frequently engage in territory-defining behaviors. I'm going to have to only plant established plants there with leaves above urine stream height. But most of the other plants are doing well and the lantana that I thought I lost when it got trampled by the plumbers has resprouted from the root! I stopped letting Tuvok out in the front yard when I can't watch him very closely. So he's stopped spraying the snow hill salvia and it is recovering beautifully and putting out lots of new bloom spikes. What a great plant! I should mention that I'm getting paid for saying that... I was pulling weeds around the salvia this morning and I found a $5 bill. So yeah. (Ok, I just spent like 15 minutes trying to make a smiley face with this font. I give up for now.)
Here is a glimpse of the cuteness we must endure on a daily basis. It is tough, but we manage.
I don't think these pansies are going to survive the summer...
I was planning to get up with the animals at 6:00 and do outdoor work but I didn't sleep that well so I slept in. There's always tomorrow.
This week at work was better after Monday. Monday I was just so upset about everything and I turned it all onto myself like Chris wanted and I cried all morning. So then Monday night when I got home DH and I had to fight about my methods and then Mom called because she read the last blog and she was concerned. So I decided to change my tactics. Tuesday I tried turning my anger outward. Instead of feeling contempt for myself, I felt it for Richard. I was civil, but I didn't interact voluntarily. It worked. I didn't cry even once. And I didn't get in trouble. So I kept that up all week and my mood improved each day until I was having trouble being mad. By Friday I was in such a good mood that I got in trouble again. One of the drivers wanted to use the cart but it had stuff on it. So I moved the stuff to the area where it needed to go. I was supposed to not do that because then no one knows it's there or something? I feel like giant stacks of paper are kind of hard to miss but I told one of the others that it was there after I was scolded. The outward facing contempt thing was easier after that! I also have been asking some of the other bosses if Chris has mentioned anything to them about me. He hasn't so far but I have one more person to ask before I feel I can ask Chris if he really feels the way he said he feels about me.
I'm also going back through the book and writing down the key points.
Don't: critisize, interrupt, talk about myself
Do: make others important, give praise at every opportunity, talk about things from the other person's perspective, show interest in others, smile, pretend to be happy, use peoples' names, show concentrated attention, encourage others to talk about themselves.
This is only partway through. I haven't even gotten to the don't argue part yet and I think that's part 2.
On this list the things I struggle with are the smiling, the happy, and the talking about myself. There will be more as I get to them. I think the pretending to be happy part is where I'm getting the most negative consequenses at work. Many people at work only put forth 50% of effort but they pretend they're happy and nothing bothers them and they get good treatment, promotions, and favorable interactions with Chris. I give 120% every day but sometimes I get upset with others who don't give a crap and so I'm the problem.
Heh, one day I had to surrepticiously save the day. Richard folded a mail job and put it over in the mail area. I knew it had an insert but Richard didn't bother to look at that, or maybe the info wasn't even in the work order. I don't know which; both happen frequently. So I motioned Adam over and quietly told him that the job usually has an envelope that we have to put in it before mailing. He's only been mailer for like 2 weeks so he had no idea. I told him where to find the envelopes. Turns out there were two inserts this time. Once, this job went out without the return envelope and it was a big mess and we had to mail out another letter with the envelope at our cost. I saved us a lot of money. But I had to go behind Richard's back so he wouldn't get onto me for meddling. Too bad I don't believe in Karma. However, the internal satisfaction is enough for now. I'm confident that someday I'll come out ahead.
All I really want is for Chris to apologize for saying horrible things to me, aknowledge that I make important contributions to his company, and to admit that Richard is a jerk.
Pardon, a delusional jerk. He seriously said last week that he has a good relationship with everyone there. And he meant it! He has no idea how his behavior is affecting his life and ours. Actually, I think that's better though. It gives him more humanity if he doesn't realize what he's doing. If he knew and still did it, that would be worse.
Ok, enough of that. It's the weekend. This morning I checked the landscape and found a few disappointments and a few successes. The cardinal vine and the jerusalem artichokes I got from the swap died. I suspect ammonia poisoning. They're on the fence between us and the neighbors who have male dogs. Tuvok and the other dogs frequently engage in territory-defining behaviors. I'm going to have to only plant established plants there with leaves above urine stream height. But most of the other plants are doing well and the lantana that I thought I lost when it got trampled by the plumbers has resprouted from the root! I stopped letting Tuvok out in the front yard when I can't watch him very closely. So he's stopped spraying the snow hill salvia and it is recovering beautifully and putting out lots of new bloom spikes. What a great plant! I should mention that I'm getting paid for saying that... I was pulling weeds around the salvia this morning and I found a $5 bill. So yeah. (Ok, I just spent like 15 minutes trying to make a smiley face with this font. I give up for now.)
Here is a glimpse of the cuteness we must endure on a daily basis. It is tough, but we manage.
 |
| You caught me! |
I don't think these pansies are going to survive the summer...
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