The sun was out all day except for the time I was on lunch and could be out enjoying it. Then it went behind a big cloud and it got cold and windy for about half an hour. Picture an angry face here.

We have a counseling appointment tonight. It is going well. DH has had some nice realizations (it's ok to suck sometimes) and so have I. I'm an adult now. I can do whatever I want (within reason) and I don't have to worry about whether my parents approve of it or not. I didn't even realize it consiously but I always have an image of my parents with disapproving faces in my head. And I only do things that might make those faces be less disapproving. I have to think long and hard about something before I'll go against anything they taught me. Like the alcohol thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine with dinner sometimes. But it took me years to actually get to the point that I was willing to 'disobey' my parents. I'm 27!

I want to get a tattoo someday. I'm not in a big hurry for it but I want one. I want second and maybe third holes in my earlobes. I learned recently that I like expensive Cabernet Savingon. I want to be able to have a glass without feeling like I'm going to hell. I want to be able to say that word without feeling like I'm going there. I want to be ME, with my own rules for life.

I sound like a teenager! And most of my rules are the same as my parents'. But they need to be MINE, because I want to follow them. I don't need to follow their rules just because they are their rules anymore. This sounds really rebellious and like I don't respect my parents. But it is just the opposite. I have been so anti-rebellious that I haven't become an adult in my behavior.

Here are my old rules and the new replacements. This is not an exhaustive list; just what I've bothered to write down. Also, these were not verbalized by my parents; it's just how they live their lives.

Old Rule: Spontaneous things are bad things that life throws at you to keep you tired and poor.

New Rule: Life can bring unexpected joy and fun.

Old Rule: Strong emotions are unacceptable because it means you aren't in control of them.

New Rule: Emotion and sensation are part of being a person.

Old Rule: Suffering and hardship build character and make God like you better (like and love being different).

New Rule: Suffering and hardship are part of life but so are joy and good times.

Old Rule: If you feel bad about yourself or want to be selfish, go do something for someone else or focus on another person.

New Rule: When I take care of myself and am nice to myself, I feel much better overall.

I don't want it to sound like my parents are bad or anything. They are wonderful people and will do anything for anyone at any time. But they live their life by these old rules and they are so downtrodden and depressed all the time. I want to be free from living that way. And because I am an adult and my own person. I can live how I choose. This is a new and exciting revelation for me!

I'm out of time. If this isn't coming across very well, please let me know and I'll edit the post.