I got some feedback to the post I made about the new rules. It wasn't good. I'm going to try to reword some stuff and explain some stuff better.
1. My parents were not "disapproving". That is the image I have generated in my head because I am/was so afraid of doing something wrong. It was the face of my concience.
2. What I doing is not rebelling. I am re-evaluating my personal rules and values. I am not trying to test boundaries or disobey just because I want to. This is a careful, calculated exploration of who I am and who I want to be. This is something that most kids do in college or around that time but I'm a late bloomer. Most of my rules and values are exactly the same as my parents', but it is imprtant to me that I own them, and I follow them because I want to, and not because they say to. And I do.
3. The 'rules' I talk about were not spoken or written on the fridge or anything. It is the terminology the counselor uses for the things I learned growing up about how life is. Rules we did have were more normal, like don't sing at the table and stuff like that.
4. I have the most wonderful parents in the world. They equipped me with an iron, steadfast moral compass that protected me from so many pitfalls of growing up and becoming an adult. I listened to what they had to say because I respected them (and still do). The fact that, as a teenager, I could look up to them and respect them as people and as authority figures really says a lot about who they are and what kind of parents they are.
5. The stuff I'm going through right now actually has not much to do with my parents and tons to do with the fact that I grew up clinically depressed and have only recently been able to overcome that depression with appropriate medication and cognitive therapy. My perspective on life and on my childhood is most likely skewed and not very realistic. Unfortunately, I can't go back and remember my experiences differently, but I can look back and realize that my depression played a big role in what I took from each experience. For instance, I remember lots of sad and stressful times in my childhood and not many joyful times. Does that mean there weren't any joyful times? Of course not! It means my brain wasn't processing those times correctly. In fact, I can look back just a few years ago to when I was a zookeeper and having a great life. I could tell you all the wonderful things about my life and how I had the job of my dreams and things could not possibly be any better. But I was depressed and sad and overwhelmed about everything all the time. It isn't the circumstances that cause happiness when your brain isn't working right. I had the ability to understand what was going on at that point, but as a child I didn't. Therefore I'm almost positive that my childhood was a wonderful, joyful, happy time. But I am unfortunately unable to remember it.
You know what? I need to have my parents tell me stories about me as a child so I can get a more accurate perspective on growing up. This whole section of my journey is about reliving and healing the wounds I have suffered. I suffered because my brain was sick, so I can heal by reliving my childhood memories with a healthy brain.
Have I mentioned that my mom and dad are the most awesome people I have ever met? That I am thankful every day for the skills they taught me and the morals and values they instilled in me. Here are some things I 'missed out on' because of their parenting:
I never tried cigarettes, alcohol, or illegal drugs. They said, "other people will tell you it's fun and cool, but later when you try to stop doing those things, it will be almost impossible to quit and those things can ruin your life very easily. It is better to not do those things in the first place and when you grow up, all those other kids will envy you because you didn't have to suffer the consequences."
I never snuck out and went to parties or whatever it is kids do when they sneak out. My parents asked me to respect them and their rules and because they were always truthful and honest in everything they did, I respected them. They told me that parties can be places where there's lots of pressure to do bad things and you could get in big trouble and even killed. I didn't want anything to do with that.
I didn't have sex before marriage. I didn't get STD's or an unplanned kid and I didn't suffer the emotional pain of giving a special part of myself to some random guy. I didn't put myself in the position to be in an abusive relationship. My parents modeled for me every day what a real loving marital relationship looked like and I knew that doing that other stuff wouldn't get me into a meaningful loving marriage. Well, it could, but it's much more likely the other way. I stayed innocent and grew up slowly. I treasured my freedom as an adolescent. I look back and am glad I was able to be so free from the stresses that so many young people have to deal with.
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings, and highlights my true intentions. I was just excited to realize that I had the freedom to have my own values. I don't want to have values that are much different from my parents, but I am free to choose them nonetheless. I am learning how to be a person who doesn't come at life with a depressed brain. This is a learned skill and I am at the beginning of my training.
Have I mentioned how awesome my parents are?
Tigerdawn, I read that post about your parents and I didn't find anything on that post that you had to reword or apologize for.
ReplyDeleteI've raised a daughter who's bipolar and grandsons with ADD. I believe I'd know if something was offensive. Heh.
For a long time, my daughter blamed me for every bad thing that happened in her life, for every poor choice she made, for every sad memory. She said she had no happy memories of her childhood. It hurt me, because I tried really hard to be a good parent. Life is varied. There's good and there's bad. When you're a young parent, you'll have other issues besides your kids. Sometimes you have money problems or marital problems. I know for a fact that it's very hard to keep the kids happy when you're going through misery yourself. I look at it this way: I did the best I could at the time. I wanted to be a good parent. But it was not very easy sometimes. I'm sure your parents feel the same way, regardless. I don't know any parent who feels like they never did anything wrong. I don't know any parent who doesn't disapprove of something their kid has done from time to time. I have things I wish I could go back and do differently, but that's not an option.
I see in your posts an effort at finding out who you are. And everyone really needs to do that. You do need to develop your own rules for your life and not live by someone else's. You do need to find that spot between what makes you happy and what doesn't, and have no guilt associated with your choice -- only joy. There's nothing wrong with having a glass of wine... a tattoo... extra holes in your earlobes for earrings. You can't live your life only doing "safe" things that no one will disapprove of. A parent who expects their child to do that (and I'm not saying your parents do), is not realizing that there is a time when your child is an adult and it's time to just love them and stop telling them what to do and how to do it.
You seem to be a fine young woman and I'm so sorry you are plagued with depression. I've had it in my younger days so bad that it clouded my ability to make decisions and every little difficulty that cropped up loomed too big for me to handle. One day, a concerned co-worker suggested I start walking and I began to do that. Three miles every-other day was what I worked up to. It really helped. The veil lifted. My marital troubles didn't go away, and neither did the issues that come along with raising teenagers, but at least I was more able to cope. I haven't had depression for a long time. I have some physical problems that don't allow me to do those three miles any more, but I keep busy and occupied. I never dwell upon the past. I never look to someone else to "make me happy". I strive for peace. And for the ability to forgive.
The biggest blessing though was that I finally learned that there are many things we must go through to become who we are meant to be. We learn something from every experience. Life is a school.
My daughter still struggles. She has trouble getting along with everyone, not just me. She still brings up issues that happened between her and me and has her own spin on them that are nothing like how I remember them. I have apologized for some of them, if I felt like what I did at the time was wrong. But there are other things that I will not apologize for, because I was not and am not a doormat and I will not let someone whose personality is more aggressive than mine push me around! I'm sorry that she struggles. And I'm sorry that she, most recently, has broken contact with me. But these are choices that she has made, her job is to live with them and if this is what she has to do to make herself at peace, then so be it.
Dawn, I wish you peace. Hugs...
I am so sorry that your daughter has these troubles. I have a good relationship with my mom and I am very thankful for that. I know she's not perfect and I know she always did what she thought was best. In some cases it didn't turn out like we hope but that's part of life and I don't blame her for that in the least.
ReplyDeleteI have more peace at this point in my life than I ever have before and I think that's partly what's given me the strength and confidence to pursue this journey toward myself.