My Brain is a Crazy Place

Well, let's see.  What has happened since the last time... DH is home; he had a blast.  I finished book 1 of 3 that I have and found 2 others I want to read.  Yesterday at the end of the day I had a conversation with Chris about stuff.  I didn't reveal anything about ASD but I was able to explain more about where I'm coming from and what my brain is doing.  I know books don't have all the answers but they do help me find words to help others understand me.  He seemed to get it more, like really understand what I'm going through.  We both agreed on many points, like self esteem (or lack of) is the main root of the problems at work.  We discussed how neither of us knows what to do about it and he knows I'm on the search for information.  I feel encouraged.  He made sure I knew that I was a good employee and that the self esteem issue is really the only one as far as he's concerned.  He doesn't think I'm as horrible as I thought he did.  Yes, I know that's how it always goes. 

Afterwards another friend listened to me for a long time and that was helpful.  I don't usually feel safe talking about my deepest thoughts and feelings because they scare people.  Just because I feel things doesn't mean I'm going to act on them.  Even though my perspective is clouded, I still know what is a bad idea.  I know they are temporary feelings.

In the mean time I need to find a better outlet for anger energy.  Right now when I get angry (or frustrated, same category), I channel the rage into tears.  That is better than flying off the handle at work.  But crying is only a little more acceptable than screaming and hitting.  One time I took it out on the dumpster out back and it was very effective but DH thinks that's worse than crying.  I can't hurt the dumpster and usually there aren't people back there.  The stick I would use is soft as far as things like that go.  It only takes 30 seconds or less to relieve the pressure as opposed to several hours of crying.  Maybe there's an even more secluded place around the corner of the building.   I'll have to investigate that.  So then when I become angry and I feel like I'm going to explode I can hold it until I can take a quick break and go outside and beat on something with my rubber cutter stick.  When I was a kid I did the same thing with pillows.  I knew I could beat on the bed, the dresser, the walls all I wanted and I wouldn't damage anything, which would start the anger all over again.  I never wanted to be bad or harmful but I had to have an outlet for all that anger.  It feels like I'm radioactive and it's pulsing stronger and stronger until it just bursts my body.  I thought everyone felt that way until I read this book and they talked about it like it was unique to ASD.  Hm.  No wonder others don't cry at work.  They won't explode if they stay calm.

At various times in my life I've been self-harming.  Hitting myself in the head, biting myself, scratching myself, etc.  Again it was a desperate attempt to bleed out the overwhelming rage.  I thought somehow the physical pain would lessen the emotional pain.  It never really worked.  Maybe I wasn't doing it right.  But when you're literally about to explode from your pores, you'll try anything you can think of.  I think I understand why it doesn't work- it doesn't actually release the energy.  If you know anyone like me or had(have) a kid like me, maybe that gives you some insight into why they do crazy stuff.

I don't know where the rage came from when I was younger.  I think I was angry at myself for existing.  I felt like I was a net drain on everyone.  Ha.  I'm talking in the past tense like I don't feel that way now.  No amount of good I could ever do will make up for the fact that I simply exist.  That is what people, kids and adults, like me really feel inside.  We don't have to be told this; to us it is an obvious, undeniable truth.  No amount of praise or love will make us believe anything else.  It comes preloaded in our brain.  I know that ceasing to exist at this point would harm the people who care about me so my only option is to keep on trying to do as little damage as possible.  I know people have overcome this thinking.  But I don't yet know what they did to be successful.  That is the main focus of my reading.  So I'll keep you updated.

I just had an idea for a product.  A pillow type object that feels good to grip and swing, feels satisfying when you hit something with it, and won't damage furniture.  It needs to be heavy...maybe have wax beads in the mix...it needs to make a good 'thwupf' when it comes in contact with stuff.  The thing is, kids, teens, and adults who feel anger like I do need a way to release that energy.  This might help.  I haven't found any method that is quicker and more effective than hitting an object with another object.

Well boys and girls, that concludes today's lesson in People Who Have Brain Malfunctions.  Lol!

I don't want men in white coats knocking at my door, ok?  I only feel this stuff at work, and only since Richard showed up.  I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to learn how to deal with bad bosses because I'm likely to have a bad boss no matter where I work.  And besides, compared to this, pretty much any boss will be awesome!  I don't know any person at work or who comes in to work on our machines that has not had a bad experience with him.  Good training material, I say!

In other parts of life, Tuvok turns 3 today!  I'm going to take him to PetSmart and let him pick out a treat.  It is too hot to be outside, he hates water, not into toys so much.  The things he loves most are tasty things to chew on and human company.  So that's what we'll do!  I don't want to but I need to trim his nails first.  He's all clickaclickaclicka everywhere.

The frozen cookie experiment was a success!  I have 100 cookies cooling right now, and then I hope to make at least 200 more by tomorrow night.  Thank goodness for Sam's and 96oz bags of chocolate chips!  And also electric hand mixers. :-)

I have a dozen free range locally grown chicken eggs in the fridge.  I don't want to waste them but I don't know what to do with them.  I can make some over medium, or boil some, or make egg drop soup...  I want to use them in ways that showcase their superior flavor.

I've also been feeling very creative.  It seems like everything I see is a potential source of art material.  But I don't know how to begin with any of it.  Its that stupid perfection requirement again.  I don't want to waste any material or time on practice.  I want it to be right the first time.  So I don't start.  Rrrrr...  Where's my pillow.... Lol!  I want to make things with fabric and beads and metal and wood and everything!  I want to make jewelry and clothing and wall art and anything else I can imagine!  I don't know what to do first!!  There are so many snippets of ideas running around in my head that I can't focus on one thing.  Maybe I should write down all the idea snippets so they're easier to categorize and then I won't have to worry about forgetting anything.  Except where I put the paper...

Yeah.  That's what I'll do.

Really, no white coats.  Promise?